10 Ways to Improve Your Marriage While in Quarantine

Be Playful to Help Improve Your Marriage While in Quarantine

Throughout my son’s childhood, I have admired his ability to play with just about anything he can put his hands on. My house usually looks like the path after a tornado by the end of the day. It gets frustrating to clean it all up and can be sense of contention between my wife and I as well as our children. However, I have noticed that when we are helping him pick it up, that his creativity in his play is mind boggling. He doesn’t just play with one set of toys or stay in one spot (hence the tornado). He has a unique ability to gather different objects and play with them together. It sometimes seems to have no rhyme or reason. He tends to have a knack for spontaneity by just picking up a toy where ever he is at, at any given time, and just go with it. I wish I still had that ability.

Somewhere along the way, we adults lose this ability. We lose the ability to be creative and the ability to just enjoy being spontaneous. We lose the ability to be flexible and go with the flow. And, not only that, we lose the ability to be playful.

Play involves all of those things: spontaneity, creativity, flexibility, and fun! The definition of play is engaging in an activity for enjoyment and recreation rather than a serious or practical purpose. Being serious squelches fun and sometimes creativity. Have you ever been so focused on one thing, that you miss something important? Being serious also keeps us from being flexible at times. I know this first hand. When it’s bed time, IT’S BED TIME! My wife probably thinks I have a stick up my YOU KNOW WHAT every night about 8:00 PM. IT’S BED TIME! I am rarely flexible on this issue, and I become serious and goal oriented about this same time every night. I don’t know if this is my anxiety or fear about what may happen if they don’t get in bed on time, but that is another topic for another day and should be explored. Staying on topic, play rarely has a set goal if it is fun. Sometimes even playing sports can be so goal oriented that it loses it’s fun. PLAY IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN!

Many couples lose their ability to play and have fun. When they were dating, they were flirty and playful… spontaneous, surprising, flexible and creative, BUT not long after they tied the knot, their life became mundane and monotonous…stressful, tense and goal oriented.

Relationships thrive off of playfulness!

Think about when you had your best times. Were you playful? Were you spontaneous? My guess is the answer is “YES!” The times we have the most fun with our partner is when we are playful. Being playful helps others to relax and enjoy the moment. Having fun creates memories that have a lasting affect on us and help couples to build deeper connections and help to grow the relationship. When we are playful, we tend to seize the moment. When we are playful, we don’t take life for granted. Being playful with your spouse is about loving and enjoying life despite the stressors around you. It’s about controlling what you actually CAN control. You CAN CONTROL how much fun you  have and create with each other, even in time of stress and discomfort.

I encourage you to use this time to play with one another. Be creative as we talked about in a previous blog post. Don’t let the worries of this world keep you from enjoying each day with one another. Lighten up! Be spontaneous, flexible and open to the possibilities around you. Play as my son plays! As you walk through your life, STOP and NOTICE the things around you. Be curious. Be that tornado that leaves a path of meaning behind you as you enjoy each moment with your spouse!

If you are having trouble find ways to play or enjoying time with your spouse, please let me know. Email Me or Call Me at 706-955-0230. Set up a free 15 minute consultation! Or go back and check out the rest of this blog series.

 

10 Ways to Improve Your Marriage While in Quarantine

How Grace and Forgiveness can Help Your Relationship During Quarantine

Stress and monotony becoming the norm? Being at home more than usual and not being able to get out increases boredom, unless you have figured out how to be creative since two blog posts ago. Sometimes there is not enough creativity to help a couple to feel good about each. More time spent together and more time outside of your element may make it hard to look past each other’s faults.

EXTRA grace and forgiveness at this time may go a long way! It may even save a relationship! Maybe a little more grace and forgiveness is what your relationship has always needed!

Everyone knows what grace and forgiveness are, but just in case you are a little fuzzy on it, let me clue you in to what I am referring to. Grace is the ability to look past someone’s mistakes when they don’t deserve it. From a Christian view, Grace means “unmerited favor.” If a couple gives each other grace, they will withhold their criticism and anger when their spouse or partner does something they shouldn’t. Grace can be really healing. Grace can bring a couple closer due to feeling like your partner understands that their is more to you than your mistakes. Grace allows a two people to be able to be themselves around each other.

Forgiveness is the ability stop feeling upset towards someone about an offense. Some people don’t like the idea of forgiveness because they think it means to “forgive and FORGET.” I tell my clients that forgiveness is important, but forgetting is impossible. Our brains were not really made to forget. So what does forgiveness look like then? It looks like being able to give up the fight to hold your partner accountable. It goes hand and hand with grace. It looks like loving them and letting go of the hurt. One way to think about forgiveness is to make a DELIBERATE CHOICE to release feelings of resentment and hurt so as to open back up to someone else to possibility to make it right.

So, as things continue to be confusing, stressful and tough, CHOOSE to give your spouse or partner a chance to make mistakes. And when they do, CHOOSE to give them the gift of forgiveness!

To learn more, go back to my original blog of this series.

If you would like to ask me questions about relationship concerns, call me at 706-955-0230 or EMAIL ME.

10 Ways to Improve Your Marriage While in Quarantine

Using Creativity to Improve Your Marriage While in Quarantine

I have been home all weekend and have been struggling with this way to improve my marriage. I am the expert on marriage and can’t even help myself sometimes. But creativity doesn’t necessarily come easily. I was thinking about how I was putting what I tell others to do into practice. I guess a fun thing we did do this weekend was to get our kids a blow up water slide. Yes, I know, it was kind of chilly. They LOVED it! I think playing on that was the most exhaustive thing they have done since being out of school. It wasn’t necessarily for me and my wife, but we did get some enjoyment out of watching the kids. I could list all the generic things we have done, but that wouldn’t help you with creativity or marriage.

I want to give you one inspiring thought though. Sometimes marriage is boring. I know that isn’t very exciting or arousing, but it’s true! Isn’t that amazing? I am actually glad that it can be boring. Because creativity usually gets sparked in times of rest and monotony. So, while the spouse and I were sitting around a lot this weekend, I seemed to have more ideas pop into my mind than usual. Although, without a little direction, they weren’t necessarily thoughts about improving my marriage. So, lets see how we can do this.

I think being intentional is important. Like I said, my thoughts weren’t directed at my marriage, but I did have a lot of new and creative ideas. What would have happened if I had directed them at my marriage? Well, hopefully I would have been more open and creative with improving my marriage.

Next, I think the traditional brainstorming technique would be helpful. Yes! That technique we all learned in English class. Basically, sit with a piece of paper and write down everything that comes to mind about a certain topic. Then write down everything that comes to mind about each of those topics and so on and so forth. Let me try it real quick:

Basketball, Baseball, throwing the ball, hitting the ball, fun outside, fun inside….Okay, I will stop with that. That reminds me. My spouse and eye got a glove, a bat and a bunch of tennis balls a few days ago and I threw her some while she wacked them way to far. I got tired quickly for having to run 30 or 40 yards to retrieve all of them. I guess I need to work on that. Which leads me to another idea. How many of you exercise regularly? Why not exercise together?

You see, I just came up with 2 in no time through brainstorming. Other ways you can come up with ideas is to call up friends and family and ask them what they are doing. You can also check out things on the internet. I recently found out you can get an escape room in a box shipped to you.

Another way to increase creativity is to shut off your devices. TV, video games, scrolling Facebook all do the thinking for you. Shut them down. Read a book. Write a journal about what you are experience. Write letters. Read that Bible you have been wanting to read if only you had time off. Pray together.

Finally, I encourage you to do whatever you come up with, together! Think about what each other like. Your brains are powerful! It is made by the Creator of the Universe! Don’t lose it, use it! God has given us a unique opportunity to make changes to our life due to slowing everything down. It’s time to really work on the creative side to increase love and connection with each other. Marriage takes effort and creativity may take time. But it’s worth it! Let me know what creative ideas you come up with by emailing me. Maybe I will add them to this post. If you are struggling with your marriage call me at 706-955-0230. If you want to read more posts go to my Blog.

10 Ways to Improve Your Marriage While in Quarantine

Using Patience and Kindness to Improve Your Marriage While in Quarantine

We are now weeks into this think called quarantine, or “shelter in place.” I first wonder who came up with these terms. I guess that does matter much, but when you have as much time on your hands as some of us do, you start thinking about things that you would not normally ponder.

Anyways, time to help with that first of ten things that could help improve your marriage while in quarantine. Why did I pick patience and kindness first? I don’t really know. It was the first thing that came to mind when I was thinking about what I needed to do. My kids are home all day, my wife is having to endure them for longer hours than she is used to. I am fortunately working. So, I am not at home like many of you are at this point. I still am getting to spend more time with my family because I am choosing to work from a remote office and can run by the house when I choose. I have also chosen to take at least one day off a week. I am taking this time to rest and relax as I believe God is giving us this opportunity that we rarely choose for ourselves.

Sorry, that was a tangent I probably did not need to go down, but now back to patience and kindness. Patience means the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset. Wow, what a concept. I am not good at this. I need this. The Bible says one of the “Fruits of the Spirit” is patience. It also says in 1 Corinthians 13:4 “Love is patient and kind….” There are so many places in the Bible that talk about patience. I wish I had enough space here to quote many of them, but that is not the purpose of this post. I just want you to know that patience and kindness are important. If the Bible talk about them, then they must be. It is wise to be patience as Proverbs 14:29 says “Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding.” Isn’t that being tolerant? How many of us are at a point right now where we are able to tolerate our circumstances. Forget tolerating your spouse or children. What about just having to be locked in your house? We humans need diversity, stimulation, excitement and fun.

So what are we going to do? Well, the second part of my heading was about kindness. I think patience and kindness have to go hand in hand. If I practice kindness, I can be patience. If I practice patience, I have more opportunity to be kind. I think this is a time to PRACTICE kindness and patience with our spouses. Kindness is the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate. How many of us are kind everyday, even when we are not in quarantine? It’s hard, but not impossible. I think this is a perfect time for us to find a way to practice kindness and patience. You didn’t learn most of the things by just being able to do them naturally. You had to PRACTICE. I will use this term a lot.

So, how do we PRACTICE patience and kindness. I encourage you to write some Bible verses down about patience and kindness and memorize them. Read them and recite them 3-4 times a day or more. Pray and meditate with them. Ask God to help become more patient with your wife or husband. Ask others how they show kindness to their spouses. The opposite of kindness and patience is selfishness and intolerance. Can you find one thing a day that show kindness towards your spouse? Kindness toward a spouse may seem like a no brainer, but I have seen many couples that in their marriage don’t show kindness. One act of kindness sometimes is all it takes to turn things around. Be kind. Be patient. It’s time for us to be kind to each other so we can show our kids, friends, and family how to build a relationship in the midst of hard times. Let’s pull together and change our marriages and our communities through patience and kindness.

Please contact me (706-955-0230) if you are struggling with this. I would love to help you or just find a way to make your marriage better or you as an individual better.

Check out the other 10 things to do to improve your marriage at this post.

10 Ways to Improve Your Marriage While in Quarantine

10 Ways to Improve Your Marriage While in Quarantine

Staying home due to COVID-19? Are you finding it hard to manage your relationship, the children or working from home? The combination of those three can increase stress if you don’t know how to manage them well. It’s like the movie, The Perfect Storm. Please forgive me if I get this wrong, but if I remember correctly, in that movie 3 different storms come together and create a super storm. Sound familiar?

Having to work from home while the kids are home schooling and trying to keep from getting bored, and your spouse is home all day everyday, sounds like 3 stressful “storms” coming together to create a super storm. What are you going to do? How are you going to juggle it all?

Unfortunately, there may be more storms. If you are like me, I get cravings. The usual ability to get out and have fun or see different scenery than your own familiar walls is a very missed luxury during this time. Humans need newness, excitement and experiences outside the norm. I heard one person say recently, “There is a reason they use solitary confinement in jails and prisons.” We may not be totally isolated, but the combination of the changes that have come upon us so suddenly can cause intense amount of stress, especially when combined with the anxiety around COVID-19.

So, I want to try to help. Hopefully, this series of posts will provide some ideas on how to keep your relationship on track while working through the changes. Here are my 10 tips to improving your marriage during quarantine.

  1. Practice patience and kindness
  2. Bring back your creative side
  3. Share duties and give each other time to reboot
  4. Learn about grace and forgiveness
  5. Get outside
  6. Be playful
  7. Practice listening and understanding
  8. Rest
  9. Relax
  10. Focus on teamwork

These 10 tips are almost self explanatory, but I will expound on them in the next few blog posts. They may not seem like they are ways to improve your relationship, but if you are practicing each of these daily or weekly, I can assure you they will help. Please stay tuned. If you are having trouble in your relationship, please don’t wait to call me or email me so we can talk about how I can help you. Sometimes people just get temporarily stuck. Sometimes there are deeper things going on. Sometimes we just need someone to listen to us. Whatever it is, let me help! Call 706-955-0230 to make an appointment or schedule through the patient portal.

 

5 Steps to Becoming a Better Listener in Marriage

As a marriage counselor, I teach couples many skills. One of those skills is how to listen better. Many of us have been taught how to communicate or express our thoughts better to others in classes or through our jobs, but may have never had the proper training to learn how to listen to others. I like teaching listening skills. When I help couples learn how to listen to each other, I actually get to see connections being formed right in front of me. It’s beautiful and very real. So, I think it would be great for everyone to learn some simple steps to listening to their spouse.

First, why is listening important?

Listening well helps build our understanding of others thoughts, feelings, perspectives and beliefs. Listening to our spouse opens up the opportunity to be able to provide input to a spouse’s concerns. Listening also can be a way of showing care and concern. Listening is one way to build connection.

After listing all of these benefits of listening, I am reminded of how much I want to be a better listener, but, be warned, listening takes practice, discipline and effort. Now let’s get to those steps to help YOU and ME become the listener WE desire to be.

  1. To be a good listener you first have to be willing to: “Hear it!” What does that mean? That means you need to know the exact words that were said. Yes! This is the easy part. For example, when I am with my wife, I can repeat back to you exactly what my she says, verbatim. Unfortunately, that does not always mean I actually understood her. However, some people truly do not pay attention to what their partner says and need to a better job of absorbing the actual words so they can take the next step to becoming a better listener.
  2. The second step I call: “Find the meaning.” What I mean by “find the meaning” is to try to analyze and figure out what is underneath the actual words that were stated. How many times do you say something and your partner interprets it one way and you say, “But that’s not what I meant.” Finding the meaning is not always easy, but is helpful to building a better “understanding” of what the real message is that was being transmitted to you.
  3. Thirdly, if you can’t find the meaning, ask “clarifying questions.” If you can clarify some of the information (actual words) you have already received by adding new and meaningful information through asking pointed questions, you will be one step further in “understanding” the message you received. It might be helpful to ask questions such as: What are you experiencing? Why are you experiencing that? What do you need or desire from me? Why is that need or desire important to you?
  4. Fourthly, summarize and repeat to your spouse your new “understanding” of what your spouse has said to you. By expressing to your spouse what you “understand” about their message, you are checking with them to make sure you have an accurate understanding.
  5. Finally, ask your partner, “Do I understand what you are saying?” By asking this question, you give your spouse the opportunity to tell you if you received the correct meaning of their message.

These steps have served many of my clients well. The key is practice. Remember, your spouse deserves your respect and your willingness to hear them out. They need YOU to hear their perspective, no matter how irrational it may sound. Also, remember that their thoughts, beliefs, feelings and perspectives are very real to them and when you don’t LISTEN to them, you are sending a nonverbal message that you don’t care about their thoughts or feelings and you don’t respect them enough to understand them.

PLEASE! Learn to listen to your spouse and practice these steps daily. I may not be right, but I bet you will be happier and have a more loving relationship. To learn more about listening, visit my page about communication. Be blessed!

Also, check out my other posts and pages on communication:

5 Ways to be Intentional in your Marriage

It’s 2019 already? Where does the time go? It seems like yesterday I was just getting excited about the leaves changing color and the cooler breezes that would make being outside much more bearable. Since a new year has started, I know I am a little late writing this article, I wanted to write about new goals, not resolutions! Have I mentioned I don’t like the word resolution. It seems when I want to make resolutions, nothing gets resolved. So, I am sticking with goals.

My goal for this year is to be more intentional in my daily life, especially my marriage. So, I thought it would be a good idea to write down some simple thoughts about how to be intentional in my relationship so that ya’ll could remind me what to do when I stop moving towards my goals.

A first simple way to be intentional in marriage is to pick one thing you will be intentional about. You did read “one thing” right? My one thing right now is reading. I know that doesn’t sound like a relationship topic, but I am specifically going to be intentional about reading the best books and articles I can find about relationships. I know what you are wondering, “Why does a marriage therapist needs to do this?” Well, it never hurts to increase your knowledge and understanding of how relationships work. And, have I mentioned even marriage therapist don’t know everything about relationships. My goal is to read about relationships to help me with the next simple way of being intentional.

A second way to be intentional is to remind yourself to be intentional. Have you ever had the best intentions, but didn’t follow through? Sometimes we need a cue to remind us to follow through. So, create a cue to help you be intentional. My cue is not only reading about relationships to help me think about and remember to improve myself in my relationship, but also to set reminders to read. Whatever that is for you, keep your cue SIMPLE. Set a reminder on your phone. Make sticky notes to post on your bathroom mirror or refrigerator. Just make sure that your cue works for you.

A third way to be intentional is to practice managing your impulsiveness. SLOW YOURSELF DOWN! Take deep breaths. Monitor you emotions. Examine your thoughts. This does not sound easy or simple does it? That’s why I use the word PRACTICE. You may have to use the second intentional idea to help you with the third. Use a cue to help you be intentional about managing yourself. Sometimes I teach people to use STOPP (Stop, take a deep breath, observe, find other perspectives, and plan). Just say “Stop!” to yourself and then follow the order of the acronym. By doing this you can manage your emotions and behavior better, but you have to be intentional about managing yourself. If that method does not work for you, there are all sorts of methods out there, maybe being intentional for you is to actually take the step to find one that works for you.

A fourth way to be intentional is with your words. Be intentional to say positive things to your partner or spouse. In John Gottman’s research on healthy marriages, he found that for every one negative interaction a healthy couple has they have five positive interactions. What does that mean for you? I think it means you have to create positivity in your relationship and be intentional about being positive, even when you don’t feel like it. I tell my clients, “Say nothing negative AT ALL.”

A fifth way to to be intentional in your marriage is to touch more. A simple hug, kiss, or light touch on the back or arm can be very healthy in a relationship. When a couple touches it increases the release of Oxycontin (the bonding hormone). You will feel closer the more you touch. It’s also very hard to be mean to someone while holding their hands. So, maybe you can try to hold hands while talking about hard subjects. Snuggling on the couch or giving back rubs can be healthy too. Kissing for 5 to 10 seconds can do wonders for a relationship.

So there they are. My top 5, simple, intentional, relationship builders for the year. Maybe they aren’t so simple because you have to actually do them for them to work. I somehow think the hardest part is to choose to do them, take some action, then be consistent. I hope this helps you to be more intentional and proactive in your marriage and relationship this year!

If you enjoyed the post and would like to work more on your relationship please call me to set up an appointment today: 706-955-0230.

Scheduling sex: Not as spontaneous, but sometimes important and better!

Many couples come to my office who have sex only once or twice a month or less. I usually ask them what keeps them from having sex more often. Some tell me its a lack of initiation, but most tell me they don’t know why. After some assessment and exploration of their lives together, many couples I see appear to be too busy and sex is not necessarily a priority over work, kids and other activities. However, when couples come to counseling because they have conflict over their sexual relationship, they look at me like I am crazy when I ask them, “Could you try scheduling it.” One or both of them don’t like that idea. So, I go through my routine of explaining why scheduling might not sound beneficial or enjoyable, but actually can help.

An important aspect of understanding how scheduling can be helpful is to explore why a couple is not having the ideal amount of sex they want. Questions to ask are: “What are you spending your time on? What are your comfort zones and boundaries when it comes to intimacy (ie. Are there things you like or dislike?)? What are your expectations in regard to the amount of sex you desire? What is getting in the way of initiating sex? Do you communicate about sex? After exploring these questions, a couple might know some ways they are hindering their own intimacy. If this does not help, then scheduling sex may be beneficial.

So, you ask, “How can sex be scheduled and be beneficial?” My first question to you, “What else do you schedule in your life?” Other than the obvious answers, most people say they schedule just about everything, especially if they are busy. My next question: “Why would sex be any different if it is as important to you as the other things you schedule?” Sex is just as, if not more, important for a marriage than other aspects of life. I could spend a while talking about why it is important, but somehow I think that most people already know that it is important. So, should it not be placed at a higher priority than other things? What if scheduling was the only way to make sure that it happened? If you are too busy to spontaneously enjoy your spouse, then you may not make time for sex at all. So, lets talk about how sex can be enjoyable when scheduled.

First, scheduling sex can actually help you have the amount of sex you desire. If you don’t schedule it, and you are very busy, then you may go weeks or months without having sex. Who wants less sex? Well, I guess some people do, but for the majority of people, sex is enjoyable, and more would be desirable. Again, if you don’t make time for it and make it a priority, then it may not happen nearly as much as you want it to.

Second, scheduling sex does not have to be exact. Schedules can be made flexible and estimated. What if you just set aside time for sex one night a week, with another night that could be open just in case the night you scheduled it is ends up not being a great time. By doing this, spontaneity, adventure and excitement can all be part of the moment. Also, by blocking out a bulk of time to have sex, doesn’t necessarily say it has to happen at any given moment during that time.

Third, spontaneity can still be part of scheduling because we can all be spontaneous in any given moment. In some respects, sex can always be spontaneous if you make it spontaneous.

Fourth, scheduling sex allows for creativity. If you know when sex is going to happen, you have all day or week to think of ways to make it fun and enjoyable. Women tend to need to prepare themselves for intimate moments and the planning that can go into scheduled sex may help women to be thinking about sex. Thinking about sex more often has been shown to help women be more prepared for intimacy and increase their arousal. So, by scheduling sex, a couple can plan out things they want to do, wear or try during their intimacy time. By being creative and planning the moment, women will be more aroused and enjoy the moment more. Think about when you have planned out an anniversary or a date weeks or months ahead of time. Was it more exciting, memorable and enjoyable than if you threw everything together in the last moment.

Finally, due to scheduled sex allowing for the ability to plan ahead, the couple is making sex more meaningful and thus increasing their emotional connection. Emotional connection is needed to improve relationships and desire for sex. So, by scheduling sex, the couple is starting a cycle of positive emotional connection.

So, I understand if you still like the thrill of spontaneity during sex, but for those that are having less sex due to busy schedules or who want to increase their emotional connection and have more intimacy, consider scheduled sex and enjoy the creativity, arousal and emotional connection that comes from scheduling.

If you have any questions or want more information about how to improve your sex life with your partner, please call me at 706-955-0230 or email me from my Contact Page.

Improve Your Marriage One “Simple” Step at a Time

The holidays have come and gone and I decided to take a brake from writing for a while to focus on enjoying time with my children and my beautiful wife. It has been refreshing, but the more I think about it, the more frustrated I get due to loss of motivation. I am starting to believe more and more in the theory that an object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion. This belief brings me to the topic of my thoughts for today: improving marriages one simple step at a time.

As I ponder some emotional struggles I dealt with over the last month, I started to feeling overwhelmed by how much I needed to change and improve as a person. I may be a Marriage and Family Therapist, but I find it difficult to be the type of husband and father that my wife and children need. My behavior at times has ranged from avoidance, to withdrawal, to irritable snapping, to angry toned rants. I don’t desire to be this way toward anyone. I want to be loving and create deep emotional connection with my family. As much as I want to blame others, I keep coming back to the fact that I control me and no one else can take responsibility for my actions.

I am starting to realize what that means. It means I need to stop pointing the finger at others and take responsibility for my own actions. The more I think about this, the more I ask myself the question, “How to I change for the better?” As I continue to work with couples and individuals in my practice. I seem to find the words to say. I am learning more and more that the phrase, “keep it simple stupid” has more clout than just being a cliché.

Changing behavior is not easy, but it CAN be changed. However, sometimes the journey seems too tough, overwhelming and too long. Keeping things simple and only focusing on 2 or 3 aspects of the journey and finding simple, creative ways to work on those aspects will help ease those feelings.

An example of this concept is learning to love others. The Love Dare, written by Steven and Alex Kendrick, demonstrates the idea of keeping things simple through focusing on simple dares each day. What’s interesting about the Love Dare is that the first 3 dares ask a person to repeat the first dare (Not saying anything negative to your spouse at all). I always thought it was interesting that this is the one dare they ask you to repeat (3 times). If all I focus on is saying nothing negative at all, it seems to me that my marriage and my household would be much better off.

So, my goal for the next week or two is to not say anything negative and watch my tone. I am not going to worry if I mess up, because what matters when you trip and fall is that you get back up and keep moving forward. My guess is that I will feel less overwhelmed and will likely be able to focus better by keeping things simple. If you want to try this simple exercise with me, then let me know how it turns out for you by emailing me from the contact page. Keep working on your marriage, one simple step at a time.

Grow Your Marriage: Heart, Intent, Choice

I recently read a quote that I found interesting and it got me thinking about how to make marriages work.

“To keep the fire burning brightly there’s one easy rule: Keep the two logs together, near enough to keep each other warm and far enough apart — about a finger’s breadth — for breathing room. Good fire, good marriage, same rule.” ~Marnie Reed Crowell

This quote provides great wisdom, but doesn’t provide the details. I have been told that marriages are “hard work.” Keeping the fire going is not always the easiest. Throughout my 7 and half years of marriage and my 7 and a half years of being a marriage counselor, I have found this saying to be more burdensome because of how tiring it sounds. When I think of work, I think about getting tired. Some people love their jobs, but almost everyone needs a vacation or break sometimes. Is it true that marriages are “hard work”? Or, can we find a different way to make marriages work instead of making people give up on marriages because they are too hard? Let’s seek if we can shed some light on three simple ideas to keep the fire going.

Marriage takes effort, but everything in life takes effort. I have heard my mother say, “As you get older, everything hurts, your bones creek, and you lose stamina.” She reminds my brothers and I every time I talk to her, “I am getting old, Brandon.” The older we get, our minds seem to stay teenager minds while our bodies become a daily reminder of our age. So, even aging takes effort.

So, if marriage takes effort like everything else, then it will make us tired at times. Yet, just like working out takes effort, makes a person tired, and ends in a feeling of accomplishment, marriage takes effort, can make a person tired, and can very much provide plenty of positive feelings. People need to think about marriages as a growth process. A person has to plant a seed to grow corn. A person has to work out to grow muscles and stamina. So, people in a relationship need to know what they need to do to grow their marriage.

Change the Heart, Communicate the Intent, and Choose to Act

To grow a marriage, a person needs to have a heart for the marriage and their spouse. This is the seed to a flourishing marriage. If you don’t like or even love your spouse, then how can you work with them? Seeds have a hard time growing in thorns bushes or rocks. How do you expect to communicate with your spouse if your heart is hard? Growing a marriage takes changing your heart to what matters. So, what does matter in a relationship? Friendship? Quality time together? Selflessness? What is in your heart that might be keeping you from growing your marriage? Resentment? Anger? Envy? Jealousy? Just like everything else in life, if your heart is not in it, then you are only going through the motions. Ask yourself what your heart wants. What is your desire? What are your goals? Once your heart is right, then you can begin to work on growing your marriage.

Intentions are important because they demonstrate to your partner what your heart is saying. If your partner knows where your heart has good intentions, they will be more likely to get their heart in line with yours. This takes communication. Tell your partner what you want to do. Tell your partner what your desires for the relationship are. Write those desires and intentions down so you don’t forget them and as a reminder to focus on growth each day.

Finally, choose to live in alignment with your heart. Choose to practice what you said you want to do. Choose to set goals and steps to meet those goals. Then choose to work one step at a time until you reach your goals. Choose to put your partner first. Choose to be selfless. Choose to love and respect your spouse. Choose to change the idea that you are the victim. Choose to stop pointing the finger at someone else and take responsibility for your choices. Choice is your responsibility. Will you choose to grow your marriage, or will you choose to continue to think about it as hard work and just another act that will make you tired?

By choosing each day and each moment to grow your marriage, you are choosing to plant a seed and water it daily. As you do that, your marriage will mature and grow. Sure, storms will coming, animals will try to hide in your branches, but someday, your relationship will grow strong and those troubles will feel small. Growth in marriage takes getting your heart right, speaking your intentions and choosing to live out those intentions.