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5 WAYS HONESTY IMPROVES MARRIAGE

5 Ways Honesty Improves Marriages

Trust is very important in relationships, AS IF YOU DIDN’T KNOW THAT. Deceit can destroy trust, but full honesty can build trust. Early on in my life I attempted to do something that I knew my parents did not approve of. I was young, stupid, and didn’t fully realize what being a follower of Christ meant back then. Does that sound familiar to you? I also still had my sin nature, and STILL DO. I remember when I made the choice to follow through with my stupidity that I had a since of guilt almost immediately, but just pushed it aside. When I was confronted about it later, I also had an immediate since of fear and anxiety. I thought, “I have been found out! Oh No! What do I do now?” I realize now that I was probably afraid that I would get a more severe punishment than I wanted, or worse, my parents wouldn’t love me anymore. I didn’t want to lose what was important to me. SO I LIED! The minute I did that, IT GOT WORSE. I not only received a consequence for my behavior, but I received multiple “consequences” for my lying. I honestly wish I had learned my lesson that day. It would have saved me much heart ache throughout my life.

Although it has taken me a long time to learn and grow as a person to where the fear doesn’t always want to take hold of me. I still do have fear when I have done something I think my spouse would not approve of. We need to understand these 5 principles to better help us navigate times when the assumption that a lie is better than the truth comes about. To go along with my post on the 5 Ways Lying Destroys Marriages, I share with you these 5 ways that honesty can be beneficial and help you not have to endure the heart ache and pain of mistrust throughout your life.

  1. Honesty may cause pain, but honesty avoids long term damage, worse consequences, and drawn out pain. If I had known this when I was a child, I would have saved myself some grief. You see, when I told my mom that lie, I thought that I could get away with it, but instead, I endured grounding and some other things as well as hurting my mom and decreasing her trust in me (the other “consequences”). If I only had been honest, I probably would have just received a warning. I wish I had understood this when I married my wife. I don’t want to deceive anyone today either. I AM NOT PERFECT. I UNFORTUNATELY have told a few white lies in our relationship that resulted in very similar consequences: a cold shoulder for days, hurt and decrease in distrust, and the need to have an uncomfortable conversation about what I had done. I don’t like to face my shame, no one does. The guilt of lying was still there and the fear was still there. If I had been honest with my wife, she would’ve trusted me more that day than before. I would not have the guilt bearing on my soul. I would also have overcome my fear and seen that my assumptions were incorrect.
  2. Honesty builds trust. As stated above, when you are honest with your partner you build trust. You want to be trusted. How many times have you been upset or seen someone get upset when they say, “I don’t trust you” or “I don’t believe you”? Deception destroys trust. Lying makes your partner uncertain about what you will say or do the next time. I have heard many spouses ask in my office, “How am I supposed to trust them with anything?” However, when you are honest and you are consistently honest, others realize that you are trustworthy. It helps them see your true character and your true desire. If you are dishonest, people perceive your character to be one way and if you are honest, others perceive your character to be another way. You show your true colors as a person depending on which one you choose. More mature and trustworthy people, have little problem telling the truth, despite the consequences. This helps them to be trusted more and more.
  3. Honesty diminishes the need to withdraw or hide and focuses on truth and responsibility. When I am honest, I am facing my problems head on. At the point of being honest, hiding won’t help. It’s kind of like starting a journey. If I go 10 miles of a 20 mile trip, what’s the use of turning around and going back home. Finish the trip. I need to just go the whole way. Vulnerability is hard, but once you do it, the fear subsides. One of the main reasons we are dishonest is because of fear, but once we are honest with our spouses, we may fully realize that the fear was exaggerated in our own selves. We realize the consequences are not as bad as we thought. We also may see that there are benefits that far outweigh the consequences.
  4. Honesty allows for deeper connection and empowers couples to respond in a healthy way. Being able to trust our partner helps us feel connected. When we are honest, your partner sees it. They get that it may have been hard for you to tell the truth. They respect your willingness to be honest. Your honesty provides a since of security. We all tend to desire security in our lives. We want to be known by our significant other at the deepest levels. Dishonesty hides. Honesty exposes. How can we know each other at the deepest levels if we hide instead of expose the deepest parts of us.
  5. Honesty portrays selflessness. When we are honest we let the other person know that they matter to us. How is this? Honesty cares more about how the other person feels than what you retain by being dishonest. If I am dishonest, I am fearful of losing something or receiving a consequence. If I am honest, I desire to be fully known and to disclose my true self, despite the consequences. The Bible says the greatest commandment is to Love God and Love Your Neighbor. Honesty is love for your neighbor. It does not say love your self. Being honest is showing love to your spouse because you don’t desire to hurt them. You desire more to be connected with them than to get away with whatever it is you did.

Next time you start feeling the desire to be dishonest and the fear of consequences arise, fight the urge to tell lies. Be honest with your spouse. Don’t lose the trust they have in you. It is YOUR CHOICE. You choose to hurt them or build deep security with them. Honesty is important to the point that some have said that the problem with humans is their dishonesty with themselves. Your marriage can be great! Honesty is a part of building a deeply connected relationship.

To read the companion post to this article read: 5 Ways Lying Destroys Marriages

My latest series: Improve your Marriage While in Quarantine.

If you need help with being honest and genuine call me 706-955-0230.

If you would like help with your relationship or help with this issue. Please contact me or schedule a session through my online portal.

10 Ways to Improve Your Marriage While in Quarantine

Improve your marriage while in quarantine by sharing duties and giving time to reboot

Many of us who are home at this time find that our duties are actually increasing. Children being home from school and more people in the household creating messes means more clean up and monitoring of the homestead. If you are still working, especially from home, you might be pulling double duty. This increases the stress that spouses are facing compared to the usual life of going to work. Few breaks are available. At least, if I am at work I get away from the home environment for some amount of time. If I am working from home and the kids are there, it all runs together. I fortunately have a remote place I can work from, but I have taken the time to go home for lunch or in the middle of the day for an hour or so. By doing this, I believe I am giving my wife a break and breaking up my own day.

Sharing duties and giving time to reboot can help with this increased strain on the household and the marriage. Communication is the key here. If you are feeling stressed and need some help with certain duties or just time to yourself, it is important to verbalize your needs. I unfortunately do not have the ability to hear my wife’s thoughts, so I bet your spouse does not have that ability either.

There are some keys to verbalizing your needs though.

First, understand that your expectations to get what you need may not be met. By lowering your expectations, you may help to keep from creating conflict with your partner. So, how does verbalizing my needs help? The more information provided to your spouse, the more likely they will be able to meet your needs or help you get what you need. I am sure you have heard the phrase, “If it is not documented, it didn’t happen.” In this case, if it was not verbalized, then it is not a problem to be resolved.

The second thing to remember when verbalizing your needs is TIMING. Please make sure you don’t just verbalize your needs because you are emotional. Emotions are never a good clock to tell you when you should communicate about something. God gave us brains for a reason. If your partner is busy, stressed or upset at that time, maybe it is not the best TIME to express needs.

Third, figure out how to express your needs in the best way possible. Check out my thoughts about communication in relationships. Finding the right way to say something is important. Some tips are to watch your tone, check your volume and monitor your attitude. Men, soften your voice like you are speaking to your beloved grandmother. A booming, commanding voice is not necessarily “assertive.”  Women, a high pitch, screechy voice will not get your husband to hear you. Try getting close to him, gently placing your hand on his arm and speaking him name in a regular, loving tone (Directed at both genders).   Ask your partner how they would like you to speak to them. Then, ask them to help you practice. Practice makes perfect.

By communicating well, you are able to help your spouse to understand your needs. Now that you are able to do that, partners need to be selfless. As you learn what your spouse needs, offer to help them with those needs. That’s where sharing duties comes in. If your husband is working from home and now finds himself pulling double duty with the kids and work, but usually cleans the bathrooms and takes out the trash too, maybe as a wife you can pick up one of those tasks to lighten his load. If you are a husband who’s wife is home all day with the kids (2 months before they were supposed to be home all day), tell your wife to go take a bath when you get home and enjoy some alone time while you make dinner, wash the dishes and get the kids ready for bed (Giving your wife a reboot). It is understandable that stress had increased along with possibly your duties at home. A little teamwork, sharing duties, and serving each other will go a long ways. It’s definitely not time to dig your hills in. It’s not time to fight. It’s time to communicate your needs and work as a team. Serving one another is loving one another. You finally have a chance to do that. Don’t waste time being mad at each other. Good Luck!

Check out the original post to this series HERE.

Next Post In Series – Learn about grace and forgiveness

10 Ways to Improve Your Marriage While in Quarantine

Using Creativity to Improve Your Marriage While in Quarantine

I have been home all weekend and have been struggling with this way to improve my marriage. I am the expert on marriage and can’t even help myself sometimes. But creativity doesn’t necessarily come easily. I was thinking about how I was putting what I tell others to do into practice. I guess a fun thing we did do this weekend was to get our kids a blow up water slide. Yes, I know, it was kind of chilly. They LOVED it! I think playing on that was the most exhaustive thing they have done since being out of school. It wasn’t necessarily for me and my wife, but we did get some enjoyment out of watching the kids. I could list all the generic things we have done, but that wouldn’t help you with creativity or marriage.

I want to give you one inspiring thought though. Sometimes marriage is boring. I know that isn’t very exciting or arousing, but it’s true! Isn’t that amazing? I am actually glad that it can be boring. Because creativity usually gets sparked in times of rest and monotony. So, while the spouse and I were sitting around a lot this weekend, I seemed to have more ideas pop into my mind than usual. Although, without a little direction, they weren’t necessarily thoughts about improving my marriage. So, lets see how we can do this.

I think being intentional is important. Like I said, my thoughts weren’t directed at my marriage, but I did have a lot of new and creative ideas. What would have happened if I had directed them at my marriage? Well, hopefully I would have been more open and creative with improving my marriage.

Next, I think the traditional brainstorming technique would be helpful. Yes! That technique we all learned in English class. Basically, sit with a piece of paper and write down everything that comes to mind about a certain topic. Then write down everything that comes to mind about each of those topics and so on and so forth. Let me try it real quick:

Basketball, Baseball, throwing the ball, hitting the ball, fun outside, fun inside….Okay, I will stop with that. That reminds me. My spouse and eye got a glove, a bat and a bunch of tennis balls a few days ago and I threw her some while she wacked them way to far. I got tired quickly for having to run 30 or 40 yards to retrieve all of them. I guess I need to work on that. Which leads me to another idea. How many of you exercise regularly? Why not exercise together?

You see, I just came up with 2 in no time through brainstorming. Other ways you can come up with ideas is to call up friends and family and ask them what they are doing. You can also check out things on the internet. I recently found out you can get an escape room in a box shipped to you.

Another way to increase creativity is to shut off your devices. TV, video games, scrolling Facebook all do the thinking for you. Shut them down. Read a book. Write a journal about what you are experience. Write letters. Read that Bible you have been wanting to read if only you had time off. Pray together.

Finally, I encourage you to do whatever you come up with, together! Think about what each other like. Your brains are powerful! It is made by the Creator of the Universe! Don’t lose it, use it! God has given us a unique opportunity to make changes to our life due to slowing everything down. It’s time to really work on the creative side to increase love and connection with each other. Marriage takes effort and creativity may take time. But it’s worth it! Let me know what creative ideas you come up with by emailing me. Maybe I will add them to this post.

If you are struggling with your marriage call me at 706-955-0230. If you want to read more posts go to my Blog.

Next Post In Series – Share duties and give each other time to reboot

10 Ways to Improve Your Marriage While in Quarantine

Using Patience and Kindness to Improve Your Marriage While in Quarantine

We are now weeks into this think called quarantine, or “shelter in place.” I first wonder who came up with these terms. I guess that does matter much, but when you have as much time on your hands as some of us do, you start thinking about things that you would not normally ponder.

Anyways, time to help with that first of ten things that could help improve your marriage while in quarantine. Why did I pick patience and kindness first? I don’t really know. It was the first thing that came to mind when I was thinking about what I needed to do. My kids are home all day, my wife is having to endure them for longer hours than she is used to. I am fortunately working. So, I am not at home like many of you are at this point. I still am getting to spend more time with my family because I am choosing to work from a remote office and can run by the house when I choose. I have also chosen to take at least one day off a week. I am taking this time to rest and relax as I believe God is giving us this opportunity that we rarely choose for ourselves.

Sorry, that was a tangent I probably did not need to go down, but now back to patience and kindness. Patience means the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset. Wow, what a concept. I am not good at this. I need this. The Bible says one of the “Fruits of the Spirit” is patience. It also says in 1 Corinthians 13:4 “Love is patient and kind….” There are so many places in the Bible that talk about patience. I wish I had enough space here to quote many of them, but that is not the purpose of this post. I just want you to know that patience and kindness are important. If the Bible talk about them, then they must be. It is wise to be patience as Proverbs 14:29 says “Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding.” Isn’t that being tolerant? How many of us are at a point right now where we are able to tolerate our circumstances. Forget tolerating your spouse or children. What about just having to be locked in your house? We humans need diversity, stimulation, excitement and fun.

So what are we going to do? Well, the second part of my heading was about kindness. I think patience and kindness have to go hand in hand. If I practice kindness, I can be patience. If I practice patience, I have more opportunity to be kind. I think this is a time to PRACTICE kindness and patience with our spouses. Kindness is the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate. How many of us are kind everyday, even when we are not in quarantine? It’s hard, but not impossible. I think this is a perfect time for us to find a way to practice kindness and patience. You didn’t learn most of the things by just being able to do them naturally. You had to PRACTICE. I will use this term a lot.

So, how do we PRACTICE patience and kindness. I encourage you to write some Bible verses down about patience and kindness and memorize them. Read them and recite them 3-4 times a day or more. Pray and meditate with them. Ask God to help become more patient with your wife or husband. Ask others how they show kindness to their spouses. The opposite of kindness and patience is selfishness and intolerance. Can you find one thing a day that show kindness towards your spouse? Kindness toward a spouse may seem like a no brainer, but I have seen many couples that in their marriage don’t show kindness. One act of kindness sometimes is all it takes to turn things around. Be kind. Be patient. It’s time for us to be kind to each other so we can show our kids, friends, and family how to build a relationship in the midst of hard times. Let’s pull together and change our marriages and our communities through patience and kindness.

Please contact me (706-955-0230) if you are struggling with this. I would love to help you or just find a way to make your marriage better or you as an individual better.

Check out the other 10 things to do to improve your marriage at this post.

Next Post In Series – Bring back your creative side

10 Ways to Improve Your Marriage While in Quarantine

10 Ways to Improve Your Marriage While in Quarantine

Staying home due to COVID-19? Are you finding it hard to manage your relationship, the children or working from home? The combination of those three can increase stress if you don’t know how to manage them well. It’s like the movie, The Perfect Storm. Please forgive me if I get this wrong, but if I remember correctly, in that movie 3 different storms come together and create a super storm. Sound familiar?

Having to work from home while the kids are home schooling and trying to keep from getting bored, and your spouse is home all day everyday, sounds like 3 stressful “storms” coming together to create a super storm. What are you going to do? How are you going to juggle it all?

Unfortunately, there may be more storms. If you are like me, I get cravings. The usual ability to get out and have fun or see different scenery than your own familiar walls is a very missed luxury during this time. Humans need newness, excitement and experiences outside the norm. I heard one person say recently, “There is a reason they use solitary confinement in jails and prisons.” We may not be totally isolated, but the combination of the changes that have come upon us so suddenly can cause intense amount of stress, especially when combined with the anxiety around COVID-19.

So, I want to try to help. Hopefully, this series of posts will provide some ideas on how to keep your relationship on track while working through the changes. Here are my 10 tips to improving your marriage during quarantine.

  1. Practice patience and kindness
  2. Bring back your creative side
  3. Share duties and give each other time to reboot
  4. Learn about grace and forgiveness
  5. Get outside
  6. Be playful
  7. Practice listening and understanding
  8. Rest
  9. Relax
  10. Focus on teamwork

These 10 tips are almost self explanatory, but I will expound on them in the next few blog posts. They may not seem like they are ways to improve your relationship, but if you are practicing each of these daily or weekly, I can assure you they will help. Please stay tuned. If you are having trouble in your relationship, please don’t wait to call me or email me so we can talk about how I can help you. Sometimes people just get temporarily stuck. Sometimes there are deeper things going on. Sometimes we just need someone to listen to us. Whatever it is, let me help!

Call 706-955-0230 to make an appointment or schedule through the patient portal.

Next Post In Series – Practice Patience and Kindness

 

Tips to not fighting in marriage communication

5 Tips to not “Fighting” in Marriage Communication

Last time I talked about how the instinct to fight or flight affects marriage communication. Today, I want to discuss  ways to keep from “fighting” back when that fight instinct wants to rise up in you. When I ask clients how they deal with their frustration or anger when communicating with their spouse, many them say, “Well, I just try not to say anything or react.” Does this help? Maybe once in a while it does. Most of the time, your emotions will get the best of you, especially the longer you go without a solution. Couples who struggle with arguing and can’t seem to change their pattern of avoider/distancer or fight or flight, need help. So, I want to give you 5 tips to try to keep this instinct from ruining your conversations.

 

Know thyself!

Do you really know yourself? Are you aware of your tendencies, triggers or emotions? Do you know what makes you upset? Do you know what your “buttons” are? If not, you need to grow awareness of yourself. Most of us think we know ourselves, but I wonder how many of us could give details to the questions above.

I encourage you to sit down with these questions and brainstorm. Think about when you have gotten upset, anxious, scared, sad, angry or irritable. Think about the situation around that emotions. What was going on? Who was there? What time of day was it? What location were you in? What was said? Write all of this down. For every emotion above, go through these same questions for a scenario or two.

Why do I ask you to do this? Because the more you know about yourself and why you do what you do, the more you can control your reactions and make a plan for when you are triggered. Instincts like fight or flight tend to be triggered. By knowing possible triggers, especially ones that make you angry enough to fight back, you can make a plan to stay calm or manage your choices when those triggers arise.

 

Use active listening

Listening seems so easy. We think we listen well, but most of us are terrible listeners. I tell my clients that I can repeat verbatim example what my wife says, but I am not very good at understanding what she is saying at times. Each of us are so different, that we often interpret what others are saying through our own thoughts, beliefs and experiences when what they are actually thinking about is very different.

Some authors call this our “glasses.” Some marriage experts have even referred to a metaphor that says men wear blue colored glasses and women wear pink colored glasses. They are trying to show that we see thing so differently that we may not be able to know what the other person is thinking, even if we heard their words or saw their actions. The lesson here is to not assume anything.

So active listening is a way to take off the blue or pink glasses and try to understand how the other person sees things (ie, putting on their glasses). This can obviously help with not “fighting” back because you can be mindful of the other person’s viewpoint which keeps you from becoming defensive. You now are in an understanding stance and not a defensive stance, ready to attack back. This is not easy, but if you want to learn more about active listening, go HERE.

 

Take a timeout

Have you ever needed a break when you got tired of working, running or cleaning? I do! We take timeouts all the time when we are doing physically active things. So, does it not make sense to take a timeout when your brain gets overworked? Sometimes in stressful conversations, a person may become “flooded” per Dr. John Gottman in his book The 7 Principles for Making Your Marriage Work. Our brains get tired and need a rest sometimes. We can become confused and overwhelmed, especially in arguments. Sometimes conversations just go in circles making us metaphorically “dizzy” in our heads and keep us from figuring out why we are arguing.

Taking a timeout can help to reset, reorganize and clarify a situation or conflict when it is going no where or gets out of control. Timeouts can be easy as long as you set up a structure and both people respect it. Sometimes one person feels like they are about to explode. Well, instead of “fighting” back, take a timeout and cool off.

               

Slow Down!

Literally, slow down! Slow your breathing. Slow your speech. Slow your movement. Slow your everything! Sit down if you need to. If you need to slow down to a stop, then STOP.

Why slow down? As you become increasingly more angry, upset, anxious or irritable, your heart rate and blood pressure rises and stress hormones begin to be released. Other chemical reactions also happen in your body that are signaling you to prepare for a…you guessed it…FIGHT! Slow yourself by actively PRACTICING slowing down through breathing and relaxation. If you can effectively calm the body, you are telling the body to stop preparing to defend itself.

 

Ask questions, don’t assume

As mentioned in the first tip, we don’t want to assume anything. Asking a question of your partner allows you to gather more information. Think about how many times, based off of the information you have, that you assume you know what your spouse is thinking or saying and it upsets you, to find out later that they did not mean it in that way?

I usually call these questions to gather more information, clarifying questions. You want to have the best understanding you can have and the exact information you need to make the best choices. Many of us react negatively and “fight” or “attack” our spouse when we are triggered by what they are saying, especially when we don’t take the time to get enough information to understand the message. Stop assuming you know what your spouse is saying. Slow down, as we said above. Take the time to make sure you know exactly what your partner is saying. This again may take structure and practice. But you can do it!

 

These five tips are just a few of the ways you can keep the instinct to fight from ruining your marriage or relationships. Just using one of them may make a drastic difference in your ability to communicate, listen and connect with your spouse. Take the time to think about how you might implement each one of these, and develop your BEST way of communicating in your marriage. If you need further information or help, please don’t hesitate to CALL ME TODAY.

Marriage communication resulting in fleeing or fighting.

How Fight or Flight Affects Marriage Communication

In my office, I see many couples that are dealing with conflict and communication concerns. In many of their stories, I pick up a similar theme. It goes a little like the following and may take similar, but somewhat different forms: A wife tries to talk to the husband about something that bothers her. The husband then begins to defend himself. Next the wife starts to attack the husband verbally because his defenses don’t help find a solution to her concerns. Finally, he shuts down and withdraws inwardly (becomes quiet and unresponsive) or outwardly (leaves).

Sound familiar? Almost every couple I encounter has told me a similar version of this in their lives. I, in fact, have seen this interaction play out in my own marriage and in many relationships close to me. This type of interaction is natural in all relationships. The unfortunate thing is that many of us don’t understand what is happening and never resolve the issue or find a more appropriate way to react to our spouse. Most of us think that their partner is the problem (finger pointing), but an underlying pattern that has been ingrained in us for years seems to be drive the interaction.

Fight or Flight?

Our ancestors from the time humans were created have always had instincts or innate reactions that serve a specific purpose. Most instincts serve a survival purpose. Fight and flight are two such instincts. When faced with danger in ancient history, people did not have the safety of houses, weapons or walls. So, they needed an inborn sense that told them how to survive by fleeing or attacking when faced with a dangerous situation. Fleeing meant to run as fast as one can from danger until a safe place is found. Attacking meant taking action to defeat the danger before it defeated them. I would call this the “element of surprise” instinct. Today, in the developed world at least, we do not face many immediate threats to survival. Yet, we still feel threatened.

Threats to relationships?

Threats can come in many forms. When a person loses something or perceives loss, they feel threatened. I have seen people scared of losing loved ones, money, houses, cars, lifestyles, and more. These are all legitimate threats, but not of the survival kind that were present long ago. These days fear appears to be more present in everyday concerns, especially in marriage conflicts. For example, when a wife brings up a problem to her husband, he may “fear” he is doing something wrong that might result in losing his status in the relationship, losing power, or “getting his pride hurt.” When a husband asks a wife to do something, she may take offense to his request due to her perceived “threat” of being a “servant” in a culture that has fought so hard for women’s rights. The threats we face in recent years seem to be more “perceived threats” than realistic threats, especially in relationships.

Perceived Threats and Fight or Flight

Even though we do not face survival threats much anymore, we still have our instinct for fight or flight. So, anytime we “perceive” a threat to the loss of anything we own, our identity or our relationship, this instinct arises. When we feel hurt or vulnerable, anger arises and then negative reactions such as, attacking, yelling, throwing things, slamming doors, or cursing, tend to be the result of fighting to feel better or keeping what is ours. When we are attacked verbally by someone else, we may “flee” by leaving the room or shutting down and becoming quiet. Any time a loved one or partner attempts to initiate a conversation about something that bothers them, we may have the urge to either flee or attack based on a possible perceived threat.

How Fight or Flight Affects our Relationships

Fight or flight is not usually helpful in relationships today, except when an actual survival risk is present, such as physical, sexual or verbal abuse. When a survival threat is not present, the perceived threat is usually not realistic. Therefore, when a person flees or attacks, they are overreacting to the threat. By overreacting they either push their partner away or they hurt their spouse. Usually, a person tends to lean towards one or the other instinct and thus creates a negative pattern in their relationship. This pattern is normally referred to as the Avoider/Pursuer pattern of relating. If this “negative” type of relationship pattern continues, it may result  in resentment that leads to the couple feeling disconnected. The longer this pattern exists in the relationship, the wider the separation in the couple’s connection. It becomes harder and harder for a couple to reconcile the longer the disconnect exists. So, the instinct in us that drives us to survive can result in harmful effects on the relationship if they go unchecked.

The Benefits of Fight or Flight in Relationships

However, fight or flight is not all bad for a relationship. These instincts can drive people to fight for the survival of the relationship. Humans desire to keep the things that are theirs. They don’t want to lose what they have worked hard for or sacrificed so much for. So, if a couple can recognize that all might be lost, then fighting may result in a reversal of the negative pattern that exists.  Fighting in this sense means to put a lot of effort into saving the marriage. Some people also flee to keep from making things worse, which is not a bad reason to leave. It’s not good to make things worse, but outright leaving may be too much.

So what do we do? Well, we find balance and make small successes in using the strengths of these instincts.

So stay tuned to find out more about fight or flight. Also, if you have any questions, need help with your relationship, or just want to set up and appointment, please call 706-955-0230 or email me.

Forgiving and Forgetting? A better way to heal relationships!

Have you ever been told by your spouse, “You need to forgive and forget.” I have lots of couples come in where one partner reports that the other partner broke their trust and they are not sure how to deal with it. They also say that when they are told they just need to forgive and forget, it does not help. If you have ever tried to forgive and forget, you know it’s hard, if not, impossible.

Trust can be broken in many different ways. A little white lie or major infidelity can destroy trust. The intensity of the hurt depends solely on the individual who is on the receiving end of that broken trust. So, can a person really “forgive and forget?” I believe that people can’t forget most hurtful events. The human brain is made to be able to retain information, especially information that has an impact on the person. Yes there are times where information is not retained, such as, when the brain is damaged through physical drama or may when the impacting event is so devastating that the brain cannot process the information produced by the event. Also, there can be other times when a person may not remember something. Also, different types of brain memory play a part in remembering information. Lets discuss this further.

Types of Memory

To better help understand how memory works lets look at what types of memory a human brain has. First, the human brain has what is called declarative memory (explicit memory). Declarative memory is simply when one is trying to remember something (ie, a name, a list of items, a phone number, etc). Also, the human brain has what is called non-declarative memory (implicit memory). Non-declarative memory involves an involuntary response to something because of what happened in the past. This type of memory happens without your awareness. For example, lets say when you were a child lighting struck your house and now as an adult you shake for no reason when a thunder storm comes. Your brain remembers that lightning strike even though you may have experience many thunder storms without lightning hitting your house since.

Declarative memory brakes down  into working memory (short term memory) and episodic memory (long term memory). Short term memory is reactionary memory where we remember something that just happened within 2 to 18 seconds after the event. Episodic memory helps a person to remember important events throughout ones life that forms beliefs and thoughts about the world. Also, there is Semantic memory that helps to remember details when something is memorized, such as, math or vocabulary.

Non-declarative memory brakes down into primal memory, procedural memory and classical conditioning. Primal memory is helps to remember how to respond to different past events and can make response quicker. Procedural memory is used to helping to learn to drive and do task well. For example, driving a car is tough at first, but after lots of practice, automatic memory takes over and the mechanics to driving help a person to do many of the things required for driving without thinking about it. Classical conditioning is memory that comes about as a person makes associations to other things, whether good or bad, so as to be able to make better choices.

So much more can be said about memory to help us understand that remembering or forgetting something may be very complex. Based on what we know so far about memory, many things can interrupt the declarative memory, but non-declarative memory is not well controlled. Is broken trust associated with non-declarative or declarative memory? Broken trust involves cognitive and emotional reactions. It can almost be traumatic, if only minimally. When an emotional reaction is part of the memory process, working memory last longer and episodic memory is triggered the more intense the emotional reaction. Non-declarative memory is not associated with memories of history, except to the point of how one might react the next time the same type of event happens.

Therefore, declarative memory, and even more, episodic memory takes over when trust is involved. So now we need to consider how or if a person can forget something.

Forgetfulness

There are several ways that people possibly forget things.  Short term memory, decay, displacement and interference can all three be ways someone can forget something. Decay is when a person does not go over information enough to retain it. Displacement is when new memories replace old memories which can be a very positive form of forgetting in hopes of replacing negative memories with positive memories. Interference happens when a person attempts to remember things that are very similar and because they are so similar they can become mixed up.

Long term memory appears to have no limit and possibly stores all information. Some theories believe that information lost, may still be stored in the brain, but may be inaccessible. It is still unclear how much someone can actually forget. It does seem clear that a person can forget information by decay and interference that comes from similar memories.

Forget or Move Forward?

As a marriage counselor I have found a better way to understand that “forgive and forget” debate. I am one to believe and it is confirmed by the information I have shared in the rest of this blog post, memories moments that have a major impact in our lives tend to stick with us. I believe they are hard to get rid of and triggers can bring back up that memory any time that trigger is presented. So, forgetting is not a very useful word when it comes to resolving issues of trust.

I have started telling couples to use the phrase, “Forgive and Move Forward.” Why? Well, forgetting is hard, if not impossible, as we have discussed. In the very least, it could take days, weeks, months and sometimes years to heal from a break of trust. Also, when told to “forgive and forget,” it can deepen the hurt of the victim because a tone of “not caring” is displayed in the betrayer, which further affirms that the betrayer broke trust.  Many of my clients have enjoyed using the phrase “moving forward.” It appears to give them empowerment to be able to make changes and heal. If you are moving forward, then the person is making progress and being pro-active. Moving forward can involve being intentional, but also helps to dispel the fact that the person will not just “get over” something. It is not and will never be that easy.

So, next time you think about telling your spouse to forgive and forget, please stop yourself. Instead, ask how you can help and what can you do as a couple to move forward to heal the relationship.

5 Ways Lying Destroys Marriages

When two individuals enter a relationship, they tend to trust each other, until one person does something that hurts or deceives the other person. Deception might be the sin that is committed more often than any other sin, besides pride.  Deception can permeate a person’s life in so many ways and even lead to chronic paranoia. Lying tears apart friendships and families. Dishonesty may even be one of the many things that creates an atmosphere in businesses where productivity is decreased.

If lying can create this much trouble in regular relationships, then committed marriages can be devastated by just one little white lie.  I remember early in my marriage when I told a little white lie. Anyone who knows me, knows I do not have a poker face. Needless to say, it did not go over well. It was the first time my wife realized she didn’t know if she could trust me. It was a huge mistake, because I would give anything to not learn the lesson I learned that day. It not only hurt her, as she was questioning whether or not I was a safe person (more about safety in another blog), but it also hurt me, because I knew that I did not have her faith anymore. One little white lie did all that damage in seconds. That is not to say that a couple can’t repair the marriage, but maybe the best thing to do is to prevent the destruction from happening in the first place. So, let’s talk about how lying destroys marriages so we can be aware of how deception damages relationships.

  1. Lying destroys trust. This point may seem moot, but trust is pivotal to all relationships. If a marriage does not have trust, it cannot function properly. Trust is the basis of good and positive communication. If there is no trust, an individual may not listen or take heed to anything the other person says.  When someone lies, the person being lied to might feel devastated and distant. Also, the person being lied to may start to question everything the deceiver says. If questioning persist, the person who was dishonest may become angry because they cannot express what they want or need because questions become repetitive. The hurt person then may shut down, or may not believe the answers of the deceiver, thus creating a nasty cycle of distrust, defensiveness and blame.
  2. Lying prevents deeper, empowering conversation. Have you ever found out a loved one was lying to you? What did you do? How did you feel? If you felt angry, disappointed, frustrated or some other intense feeling, then you probably stopped communicating effectively. Married couples need to communicate on deep levels to feel the bond that keeps them together. But, if you can’t even communicate because you are angry, then the deeper levels of communication cannot be reached.
  3. Lying leads to more lying and deception. Once a lie is formed and emitted, then the person lying usually starts to attempt to cover it up so they don’t get caught. Some people go to great lengths to cover up a lie because telling the truth can have very damaging consequences. For the individual who is dishonest, it becomes important to cover up the lie so they don’t lose their standing, have to deal with an upset spouse, possibly lose their marriage or much more. Deception can become very complex and twisted.
  4. Learning about lies can be extremely painful which may be hard to heal. One of the consequences of lying to your partner is that they will feel hurt. The depth of the hurt depends on the type of lie, what the lie was about, the length of time the lie has been covered up, and whether or not the lie is dealing with a sensitive subject (ie, sex, finances, family). It has been said that hurt takes time to heal. The amount of time to heal depends on the depth of the hurt, which in turn could be so devastating, that the hurt individual may choose to not attempt to start the healing process.
  5. Lying portrays selfishness. When a person lies, they are most likely thinking about themselves, although it may seem they are doing it for other reasons. Some other circumstances might make that statement untrue, but only for a few situations. Like we said, lying is usually to cover something up. Why would someone cover something up? To keep it secret. To not get in trouble. To not hurt another person so the relationship does not change. Or, any other number of reasons. But all these reasons point back to selfishness. You can almost hear a resounding, “I…” if the person were asked why they lied. Defensiveness is a good test to determine if a person is thinking about themselves or others.

How do we use this information? Lying can be easy, but being aware of how it effects relationships and can take away what is dear to you is important to help make a correct decision. I always teach people, be aware of yourself (ie, feelings, thoughts and actions).  The reason why? Because awareness breads control. Awareness allows for a larger array of choices. Awareness allows for the individual to manage the problem instead of the problem managing the individual. My last post talked about being intentional!  Awareness allows an individual to be intentional when working to have a great marriage. Let’s learn to be honest because honesty provides safety and trust in relationships. Would you rather be with someone who messes up, but is honest and genuine about it, or someone who does not want anyone to see them for who they really are?

If you need help with being honest and genuine call me 706-955-0230.

If you would like help with your relationship or help with this issue. Please contact me or schedule a session through my online portal.

Check out my latest blog series about how to Improve your Marriage While in Quarantine.