How fight or flight affects marriage communication

In my office, I see many couples that are dealing with conflict and communication concerns. In many of their stories, I pick up on a similar theme. Couples’ fights tend to go a little like the following and may take similar, but somewhat different forms:

A wife tries to talk to her husband about what is bothering her. Her husband begins to defend himself because he feels attacked. Next, the wife starts to push harder to be truly heard and understood by him because his defenses don’t make her feel validated and do not help provide a solution to her concerns. Finally, he shuts down and withdraws inwardly (becomes quiet and unresponsive) or outwardly (he leaves).

Does this sound familiar? Almost every couple I encounter has told me about a similar fight they have had. I have seen this interaction play out in my marriage and many relationships close to me. The example above shows fight and flight in both couples’ reactions. This type of interaction is natural in all relationships. It is a cycle that couples get into. The unfortunate thing is that many of us don’t understand what is happening at the moment and, thus, we can’t resolve the issue. We also struggle to find more appropriate ways to react to our spouses.

The fight or flight reaction affects relationships by causing a couple to blame each other for their problems, disconnect emotionally and physically, and increase behavior that leads to hurt and pain, whether intentionally or unintentionally. In these situations, underlying, ingrained patterns have been present for years. These patterns of behavior and emotions, drive the reaction to fight or flee a conflict.

What is Fight or Flight in Relationships?

Our ancestors from the time humans were created have always had instincts or innate reactions that serve a specific purpose. Most instincts serve a survival purpose. Fight and flight are two such instincts.

When faced with danger in ancient history, people did not have the safety of houses, weapons, or walls. They needed an inborn sense that told them how to survive by fleeing or attacking when faced with a dangerous situation. Fleeing means running as fast as one can from danger until a safe place is found. Attacking means taking action to defeat the danger before it defeats you.

I would call the fighting part of this the “element of surprise” instinct. Because attacking seems to come out of nowhere. Today, in the developed world at least, we do not face many immediate threats to survival. Yet, we still feel threatened in our relationships when conflict arises. Unfortunately, we still have these instincts ready to thwart any threat.

Why do we feel threatened in relationships?

Threats can come in many forms. Our emotions tell us what type of threat it is. When a person loses something or perceives loss, they feel threatened. People can be scared or anxious about losing loved ones, money, houses, cars, lifestyles, and more. These are all legitimate threats, but not of the survival kind that were present long ago.

These days, fear appears to be more present in everyday concerns, especially in marriage conflicts. For example, when a wife brings up a problem with her husband, he may “fear” he is doing something wrong that might result in losing his status in the relationship, losing power, or “getting his pride hurt.” Many men would not use the word fear. They would probably feel more comfortable with the words “worry,” “concern,” or “anxiety.”

Another example is when a husband asks a wife to do something for him. She may take offense to his request due to a perceived “threat” of being a “servant” or “submissive” in a culture that has fought so hard for women’s rights. However, this is not a threat that warrants a life-or-death outcome. The threats we face in recent years seem to be more “perceived threats” than realistic threats (dangerous or life-altering threats), especially in relationships.

No matter if it is perceived or not, the threat disturbs our peace and creates a real emotion that gives us the message that we are about to lose something important to us, or that we are unsafe in some way. Understandably, we feel so threatened in relationships. Relationships present us with so much to lose. Fights can sometimes make us feel emotionally unsafe due to the possible costs.