The last of my Quarantine post! I am ecstatic! I have actually fulfilled a goal of keeping a series of blog post running. I am thankful for the opportunity to share my thoughts on how to help improve your marriage. You might be one of the families stuck at home or spending more time at home during this time, and I hope this will continue to be helpful. I hope you share it with those who you know need it. Things have been a lot different in the past 3-4 months for all of us. I believe the changes that we all have had to make in the past few months has caused each of us increased stress in a variety of ways. It’s important to have tools to keep yourself and your family sane. Having some clear guidelines and actions you can take to make things a little easier on yourself can be huge as we move forward as a family, community and nation in uncertain times.
The final tip that I think would be helpful for your marriage during this time, although there is much more I could provide, is to focus on teamwork in your relationship. Why teamwork? I am GLAD you asked!
First off, what happens when we get stressed and things aren’t going well?
- We point fingers
- We blame others
- We start to protect ourselves
- We think about how we are getting the short end of the stick
- We become negative and have increasing negative thoughts
- We might even isolate and hold resentment
Did I leave anything out? Probably, but the above is a pretty good list of what happens when we get stressed, right? Every one of those points above also spell out in an indirect way, “Me, me, me.” We start to think about ourselves when we get stressed, and we distance ourselves from the problem. Thinking this way is a PROBLEM! Ever heard of the cliche: “There is no ‘I’ in T-E-A-M”? When we start moving in this negative direction, we pit ourselves against others instead of rallying for others.
What can be done about this? How are we going to get back to US oriented and not ME oriented? How would that even help?
The first step to getting back to a TEAM mentality is to THINK TEAM. I believe getting our minds reset to think about your partner as your teammate and what it means to be a teammate is important. Focus on your partner as your partner. Focus on your relationship as unified and together. Meditate on the WE and not ME.
The second step is to visualize what a TEAM looks like. By the way, what does a team look like? I try to visualize a sports team. I love football. A football team cannot WIN or reach their goals without the maximum effort and unity of everyone on the team. Even the players who are not on the field have a role. Your role may be only to cheer on your team or to learn and watch the game so they know what is going on. No matter how small the role is, NO ROLE IS INSIGNIFICANT! When visualizing a team, the most important aspect of being a team is that they ALL have ONE GOAL! You and your spouse have the SAME GOAL. Why would we be against each other if we have the same end goal in mind?
Third, know your role! You can’t play every position on the field. A running back blocks and runs the ball. If he is running the ball, someone else has to block for him or run a fake route. In your marriage or relationship, you can’t do everything and be everything. You also can’t expect your spouse to do everything and be everything. You also need to realize that your spouse has an important role that is desperately needed in order to reach your mutual goals. Did you get into a relationship to do things alone or by yourself? NO! Understand your own role and focus on your own role. Also, realize that your spouse’s role is important, but you cannot do their role for them and it does not help to criticize them or fight them.
Fourth, try to listen and empathize with your partner. Better said, try to understand your spouse’s point of view. That helps you understand their role and their struggles with fulfilling their role.
Finally, remember that you are FOR each other! You want each other to succeed. If one of you doesn’t succeed, neither of you will likely succeed. Be each other’s cheerleaders! Help each other, encourage each other, praise each other, love each other, think about each other, share with each other, and be gentle with each other!
Teamwork will help you stay focused and will help you feel like you are not alone. Feeling alone is probably the most stressful thing in life, and loneliness is the last thing each of us need. You have each other in your corner. Don’t take that for granted. I challenge you to use “team” terminology to improve your focus on teamwork. Team terminology is any term that might relate to being a team and can help you refocus on acting like a team. Be the TEAM YOU COMMITTED TO. You can do it! You can get through this time TOGETHER.
I hope that this has been helpful. As this series ends, I hope I have given you information that you can go back to when you need it. If you have any further questions or need help, please call me and set up an appointment or check out some of my other BLOG POSTS.
Want to read the rest of the blog series? START HERE
For more information or to schedule an appointment, call 706-955-0230.
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Can you resonate with being too busy? Overwhelmed? Stressed? Running to the store, going to work, cleaning the house, cooking, laundry, dishes, setting aside time with the kids, setting aside time to spend with the spouse, cutting the grass, etc. It seems to never end. Right? We all feel like we are on never ending treadmills. How many items on our list of tasks did we not complete today, and how many tomorrow and the next day will be left incomplete? What are we chasing after? If you are on that chase, and it is hurting your relationship or just causing you to not succeed, maybe it’s time to sit down, relax and allow yourself to assess and rework your day to day life.
Relaxation is important, as well as work is. Sometimes we get so caught up in what seems important to us that we do not take time to relax and take a break. When we are busy and do not take time to slow down and relax, we may find ourselves worse off than we thought we would be. Have you ever forgotten something or did poor work? Maybe it was because you overworked or overbooked yourself. Sometimes when we get too busy, we actually get less done and the quality of our work suffers.
These same concerns can come into marriage when life gets busy. Kids involved in every sport, racing to get to the next event, trying to just keep up with life and do it all. Are the mistakes and incomplete tasks piling up? Slowing down and taking things off your plate can be helpful. Taking the time to EXPERIENCE the moment instead of RUSH through it, can do wonders for increasing quality workmanship and relationships. Are we sacrificing depth for quantity?
Anxiety tends to be more prevalent in our world than in history. Why? Many leaders in the world believe it is due to the constant need to complete and compete to keep up. We don’t want to fall behind. What are we sacrificing just to keep up? Might this contribute to the divorce rate being 50% in America? Are we too busy and too overwhelmed to enjoy what we have right in front of us?
Here’s what you can do: Slow Down! Cut something out of your life. Take the time to see, smell, taste, hear and touch what is right in front of you. Experience your life! It will be well worth it. I have had clients that after working with them for a while, we come to realize their problem is that they see each day as a list of tasks to complete, but never really become fulfilled. Humans were not meant to be fulfilled by tasks, drugs, sex, or anything else that is finite. Experiences are not finite! God made us to enjoy Him and His creation. Do you enjoy your life? Even the tough times? Have you ever thought, “Wow, so this is what this feels like?” If you don’t know that quote, go watch Sweet Home Alabama and fast forward to the end. At the wedding, the main character stops the wedding and tells the groom he does not want to marry her. He is stunned. However, he does not react how most of us would. He was supposed to be angry. Instead, he marveled at the feeling of rejection. Whether we fail or succeed, is it possible to slow down and experience either outcome so we can know what REAL LIFE FEELS LIKE.
When you slow down in marriage and take the time to relax and experience each moment, your spouse will see a person who is genuine and real. Connection will be possible. Listening will be possible. Empathy will be possible. Love will be possible. Having a true life will be possible. You want your marriage to improve? Slow down and take the time to attend to each moment so that you don’t make mistakes and you go into every moment fulfilling your full potential in that moment. Surface level interaction never goes deep. We can talk about a lot of subjects, but until you take the time to stop, and focus on one subject deeply, you will never truly get anything out of anything. I can do a lot of things in a short amount of time, but it may not be quality work. I can do one thing in the same time and it will be quality and well done! How well do you want to do life? How well do you want to do marriage? Choose to slow down and do the simple things in marriage well!
Want to read the rest of the blog series? START HERE
For more information or to schedule an appointment, call 706-955-0230.
To schedule an appointment online, click the orange button at the top right part of this page.
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