Have you ever had your trust broken or has there been a breach of trust between you and a loved one?

What a silly question, right? We all have had our trust broken. When this foundation on which we build all relationships is rocked, it can feel almost impossible to rebuild. If you’re wondering how to take the first steps toward healing, you might find our article on rebuilding trust in marriage after lying helpful.

You and I don’t realize sometimes how important trust is in our everyday lives until we are smacked in the face with deception, hurt, or uncertainty. Sitting in a chair is a choice of trust. Driving in your car is a risky decision, yet we do it every day at 50 to 70 miles per hour or more. When it comes to relationships, many times we ignore or aren’t aware of how much trust plays a role in how we relate to others and how they relate to us.

In this article, I want to help you understand how to rebuild trust without falling into a trap. This trap is when you try to control the situation. Trust allows you to feel free, comfortable, and relaxed, while control often emerges from fear or worry. If you’d like to understand more about the concept of trust, I recommend reading our blog on what trust truly means.

Let’s just say you aren’t worried or anxious, but calm. Your thoughts are free to think and make good decisions. Control is different. Control is usually forceful and comes out of fear or worry. You may not know you are doing it, but if you pay attention to your emotions and thoughts, you might find that you are acting in the realm of control as opposed to trust. As we continue, let’s explore how you can learn to rebuild trust without relying on control.

What Is Trust, and How Does It Differ from Control?

I always say it’s important to define things, so we know what we are talking about. When I am coaching or counseling couples, I find that they struggle a lot of times because they don’t know what each other is referring to. How we define things is important. Knowing this information can build a better understanding of the topic. Let’s define trust and control, and then take some time to compare them.

Definition of Trust

Trust is “assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something” per Merriam-Webster.com. They also add to the definition of trust as a verb saying that to trust is “to rely on the truthfulness or accuracy of” something or “to place confidence in.”

As you can see trust is very much about confidence in something or someone. You have hope or belief that a person or the thing you are placing your confidence in will be there to support you or follow through. This confidence provides you with the feeling of being safe when you can trust in the person or thing you are putting belief in. You can become more vulnerable in the presence of that thing. Basically, your feeling of emotional safety and willingness to be vulnerable are components of trust. Trust is vital for healthy relationships. To dive deeper into how trust impacts relationships, check out our post on how to build trust in a marriage.

Definition of Control

Control on the other hand is defined in terms of a verb or action where we “exercise restraining or directing influence over something or someone” per Merrium-Webster.com. It indicates that we attempt to have power over whatever our focus is on. We do this to prevent disappointment and hurt. Control stems from worry, fear, anxiety, or insecurity. If we are concerned that something may not go our way or there might be a loss of something, the natural reaction is to exert an effort of control or power to keep that from happening.

Comparison

When we look at trust and control together, you can tell that they are different, maybe even opposites. Trust is easy and given freely to something or someone else that we feel confident or certain that the person or the thing will not hurt us or forsake us. Control on the other hand is imposed or forced upon others or the thing that we are focusing on.

This can have dramatic effects and consequences to the relationships we hold. On the one hand, trust can help to nurture and grow relationships because we are telling our spouse, partner, or friend that we have confidence in them. We all love it when someone likes us and sees us in a positive light. However, control can tear down and destroy relationships. Who likes anyone telling them what to do or how to act or behave? No one! When we exert control over someone it can be like cancer slowly eroding the relationship over time. Neither person may notice it at first, but over time, it creates resentment from the party that feels disrespected.

Why People Resort to Control After a Breach of Trust

Think about a time you have had your trust broken. How did you feel? What did you think? How did you react? You may not say you resorted to control but think about the definitions above and be open to what resorting to control may look like. I believe it can be very subtle. But let’s talk about why people turn to tactics of control.

Emotional Response to Betrayal

When someone hurts us, betrays us, or even does something unexpected, our emotions can be all over the place. Maybe you have felt fear, anger, worry, anxiety, sadness or another feeling after a betrayal. These are all normal. I tell my coaching and counseling clients that emotions are just internal reflexes. They really are reactions that would be normal based on how you perceive the situation you are in.

Is what happened threatening harm to you emotionally, physically, or relationally? It makes sense that you would want to protect yourself. The emotions you have are just indicators giving you information about what you MAY need to do to protect what is important to you and to keep you from getting hurt again.

Illusion of Safety

Although it’s very normal to feel those negative feelings when you are betrayed or hurt, our normal reaction based on those emotions may not be the best choice. It feels right to protect oneself, and exerting control is an action that is very natural. It’s innate. Any loving parent would attempt to exert control over a situation when their children are in harm’s way or potentially open to harm. I remember a time when one of my kids was being talked to by a coach in a not-so-nice way and it took everything in me to sit and watch. I didn’t know what the right thing to do was, but everything in me said to get my kid and leave. If I had done that, that would have been an example of controlling behavior. I am not saying it would have been right or wrong, that depends. This is only an example of what control would look like.

When we exert control, it can feel like things are better and safer, but that is not necessarily the case. I think every situation is different and we really do have to take some time to analyze, pray, and determine what may be the best decision. This section just lets you know that sometimes controlling behaviors create a false sense of security. When we make demands, monitor others, or set rigid rules, we can feel like these are great decisions, but sometimes they are controlling behaviors that will not have the desired effect that we want.

I have had many clients who come to me who are struggling with pornography and their spouses want to monitor things. What inevitably happens is the person struggling with porn gets resentful and feels controlled. This does not help them want to stop looking at porn or follow through on what their spouse wants. It creates more shame. I don’t mean to make the statement that helpful software to block pornographic websites wouldn’t be a great tool, but from my experience if it’s forced on someone and it wasn’t their decision, they can become sneaky and resentful. Our intent for security can turn into more pain if we don’t take time to make sure that the measures we are putting in place are appropriate and not controlling.

The Cost of Control

As I said before, control can result in resentment, but it has other negative impacts too. What happens to a child who you don’t allow to do certain things? If you always cut their meat for them at dinner time, will they ever learn to cut their own steak? What if you always clean up after them, will they ever learn to organize and pick up after themselves? Lack of growth can be a result of misplaced control. Further damage to relationships can be a cost of control.

As with resentment, other behaviors can arise. I call it the cycle of destruction in a relationship. It’s a cycle that we see every day. One person hurts their spouse, then the spouse exerts whatever control they can. The person who betrayed, lied, or did something to hurt their spouse, then defends themselves, lies more, hides their negative behavior, and now you have a culture of dishonesty and lack of transparency. This results in more hurt. It can go on and on until one or both are so disenchanted with the relationship they leave or break it off.

How to Rebuild Trust Without Resorting to Control

Now that we know control isn’t the healthiest way to rebuild trust, let’s look at some steps that can help us regain trust in a relationship without trying to force the other person to provide a sense of false security.

Step 1: Open Communication

An important step is to commit to honest and transparent communication. This would include sharing your feelings, expectations, perspectives, and more. Some people don’t know how to do this well or are even afraid to, but it’s important that you learn. Being honest and transparent about how you feel and what you need can help your partner understand the unintended consequences of their actions. They hurt you and they need to realize the depth of that pain and the fear that resulted from their actions. It’s important for them to understand your needs and what would help.

Unfortunately, if you share these things in the wrong way, it can come across as needy, demanding, and harsh. You don’t need to go on and on about what you need and how your spouse or partner hurt you. You just need to be clear and concise. Don’t repeat yourself. Don’t ramble. Use “I statements” without blaming or criticizing. You want them to know how you feel without retreating and getting defensive.

It’s important to stay calm and watch your tone. You can cry and feel sad, but yelling, screaming, and cursing usually won’t have the impact that you desire, although I have had many clients say: “It’s the only way I can get through to him.” Unfortunately, let me be blunt. THAT’S NOT THE ONLY WAY!  Please trust me when I say there are better ways than demanding and controlling. That’s why I am writing this article. You may need extra help, but there are better ways!

Step 2: Set Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries and control are different. Boundaries are the limits that you will allow. Control is the limits you exert. Think about the lines on the side of the road. It represents the boundary that the city has drawn to keep you safe. If you drive over that, it’s going to get bumpy! Control is if they had a cop every 1000 feet on the highway. You may be okay with it, but it would eventually feel a little bit like overkill.

I could give many other examples in our lives, but boundaries are those personal limits we set that let someone else know what you will and won’t tolerate. They really aren’t actions. Controlling behaviors are demands that would tell the other person that they can’t do something. They are more threats and sometimes are put right in the face of the other person. If you’re unsure how to do this, our article on setting boundaries with a dishonest spouse can guide you.

The following is another example of the difference between healthy boundaries and control:

“I need to know you’ll tell me if plans change” (boundary)

“You have to text me every hour” (control).

One says here is what I need. The other tells you what you have to do.

Step 3: Practice Patience and Consistency

Most of my clients come to me and they have not shown very much patience or consistency in what they say they will do. Patience and consistency have been show to build trust. As you and I both know, rebuilding trust takes time. It also takes consistent work and effort by everyone involved. You can’t rebuild trust without patience and consistency. Control is the opposite of that. It tends to use the word, “Now!” Or it will mandate that something can’t ever happen again.

It’s important to remember that we are all humans and will make mistakes. Grace is so important. We can’t expect someone to change overnight. Sometimes deeply ingrained habits are involved. It’s important to create or have a plan that can work, but as with everything that is built to last, patience, consistency, and not giving up are important to the cause.

Step 4: Seek Professional Support

I said before that some people may need a little more help. Sometimes when it comes to communication, patience, dealing with the emotional toll of betrayal and broken trust, it helps to have support. Couples counseling and individual therapy or even coaching can provide that support. It really depends on what you need. This article may be a great place to start, but if you find it’s taking too long, or you are having trouble with patience or intense emotions, I encourage you to seek support. Counselors can provide a neutral space to rebuild trust and foster forgiveness. If you’re struggling with forgiveness, you might find our article on forgiving a spouse for lying useful.

A counselor or coach can help you pinpoint where you are struggling, habits that need to be broken, and where you might be trying to control a situation that could be unhealthy and provide that support and accountability to stay patient and communicate openly. They also can help you build new skills that can be very helpful when it comes to developing helpful boundaries and working through conflict resolution. A coach or a counselor can help you set goals and keep you accountable. So, don’t hesitate to get more help if you feel you are struggling with your situation. At the very least, a coach or counselor can help you clarify if they could be helpful for your situation.

Step 5: Focus on Self-Work

An important aspect of any struggle in life is self-analysis and improvement. You are a part of the systems around you. You influence them whether you want to acknowledge it or not. The majority of my work can be boiled down to getting people to recognize and become more aware of where they are contributing to the problem or the system that they are struggling with. Then I help them find ways of working on themselves to influence that system in a healthier way. Controlling the system is not usually a positive help, but finding ways to change can contribute to positive influence.

I talk to my coaching clients and therapy clients about what they CAN control. If you have worked with me much, especially in the early days, I used to talk about this and process it for a whole session. The reality is you can’t control much, but when you know what you can, you realize that by focusing on those things you CAN control, you will better be able to influence others and your situation in a healthier more productive way. However, you can’t do that without working on yourself. You need to build self-awareness to address the insecurities that drive negative behavior, such as when we try to control things. Sometimes you need to heal from past trauma or pain. Other times you need to build confidence and reframe things so you can see the positives of a situation instead of staying stuck in the negative. Your personal work can do more for you than you can imagine.

Section 4: Building a Future Based on Trust

In this final section, I want to focus on something that may be the most important aspect of building trust. I call it the “positive spin.” It’s important to find ways to put a positive spin on things instead of always intently focusing on change, healing, and growth. Let’s look at 3 ways you can do this.

Celebrate Progress

When we see our progress and recognize it for what it’s worth, it makes a difference. If you just move on to the next goal or step, you end up taking the purpose and meaning out of the process. It’s been found that enjoying the process of getting to a goal is more important than focusing on the end result. There is more inspiration, motivation, and grit when you focus on celebrating progress.

We want to celebrate all along the way. If you do a skill right, celebrate together, or for yourself. If you start to feel a little bit of trust, acknowledge it and make a big deal out of it! Have fun! Go out to eat! Have your favorite dessert. Whatever you can do to say to yourselves that we are moving forward helps motivation and inspiration to continue forward.

Cultivate Mutual Respect

When negative things happen in relationships, we tend to start seeing each other differently and feeling differently toward each other. This change may not be very noticeable. However, it can happen. Sometimes we see each other in more negative ways and have some negative feelings that go along with those new perspectives. Some of this is due to a break in trust. It’s hard to respect someone when you don’t trust them and when your focus has turned toward the negatives. Yet, it is important to recognize the need for respect. Everybody needs respect, although you may not think they deserve it. Maybe they don’t.

We are all human. All of us have value and have feelings. God created each one of us with strengths and good aspects. Unfortunately, we don’t also use them well or rightly. However, it has been said that we have to earn respect. I go back to the question of, “Who goes first?” Should I show you respect so I can get respect? I don’t think that is the right mindset. I think showing respect is an active commitment to show the other person their value despite their choices. Focusing on the truth of someone’s value and showing them appreciation and respect for who they are as a person is important and can be helpful in this process of rebuilding trust. It goes along with celebrating progress.

Respect says that we are equal and no better than each other. Staying focused on the fact that ya’ll are equal partners opens things up to sharing the load and not focusing on the negatives. You both contribute and you both have the capacity to cause problems. Mutual respect can be profound in relationships that are struggling because it resets the tone to one that says you matter, instead of a tone that says you aren’t needed as much or worthy of my love and trust.

Encourage Vulnerability

I encourage couples and individuals to be vulnerable with their partners. Vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness. It takes courage to be vulnerable and to risk getting hurt. You may not know it, but just being in a relationship is a risk. If you stop being vulnerable, maybe the relationship is temporarily stuck. Let’s just say that not being vulnerable creates separation and disconnection. It also can open the door to questions that if not answered can create uncertainty and more distrust. Create a culture of vulnerability to encourage trust and connection.

Conclusion

I understand that this topic is difficult and that you are hurting. You want change, but exerting control and demands does not usually help a person attain the goal of safety and connection. Trust can be rebuilt through intentional effort, not control. Using the steps above rebuilding trust and overcoming betrayal can take a smoother, healthier pattern. It won’t be easy, but it’s possible. Take some time to think about your own behaviors and consider seeking help or support if needed. Together, you can create a healthier relationship that feels good, one you can be proud of!