The last of my Quarantine post! I am ecstatic! I have actually fulfilled a goal of keeping a series of blog post running. I am thankful for the opportunity to share my thoughts on how to help improve your marriage. You might be one of the families stuck at home or spending more time at home during this time, and I hope this will continue to be helpful. I hope you share it with those who you know need it. Things have been a lot different in the past 3-4 months for all of us. I believe the changes that we all have had to make in the past few months has caused each of us increased stress in a variety of ways. It’s important to have tools to keep yourself and your family sane. Having some clear guidelines and actions you can take to make things a little easier on yourself can be huge as we move forward as a family, community and nation in uncertain times.

The final tip that I think would be helpful for your marriage during this time, although there is much more I could provide, is to focus on teamwork in your relationship. Why teamwork? I am GLAD you asked!

First off, what happens when we get stressed and things aren’t going well?

  • We point fingers
  • We blame others
  • We start to protect ourselves
  • We think about how we are getting the short end of the stick
  • We become negative and have increasing negative thoughts
  • We might even isolate and hold resentment

Did I leave anything out? Probably, but the above is a pretty good list of what happens when we get stressed, right? Every one of those points above also spell out in an indirect way, “Me, me, me.” We start to think about ourselves when we get stressed, and we distance ourselves from the problem. Thinking this way is a PROBLEM! Ever heard of the cliche: “There is no ‘I’ in T-E-A-M”? When we start moving in this negative direction, we pit ourselves against others instead of rallying for others.

What can be done about this? How are we going to get back to US oriented and not ME oriented? How would that even help?

The first step to getting back to a TEAM mentality is to THINK TEAM. I believe getting our minds reset to think about your partner as your teammate and what it means to be a teammate is important. Focus on your partner as your partner. Focus on your relationship as unified and together. Meditate on the WE and not ME.

The second step is to visualize what a TEAM looks like. By the way, what does a team look like? I try to visualize a sports team. I love football. A football team cannot WIN or reach their goals without the maximum effort and unity of everyone on the team. Even the players who are not on the field have a role. Your role may be only to cheer on your team or to learn and watch the game so they know what is going on. No matter how small the role is, NO ROLE IS INSIGNIFICANT! When visualizing a team, the most important aspect of being a team is that they ALL have ONE GOAL! You and your spouse have the SAME GOAL. Why would we be against each other if we have the same end goal in mind?

Third, know your role! You can’t play every position on the field. A running back blocks and runs the ball. If he is running the ball, someone else has to block for him or run a fake route. In your marriage or relationship, you can’t do everything and be everything. You also can’t expect your spouse to do everything and be everything. You also need to realize that your spouse has an important role that is desperately needed in order to reach your mutual goals. Did you get into a relationship to do things alone or by yourself? NO! Understand your own role and focus on your own role. Also, realize that your spouse’s role is important, but you cannot do their role for them and it does not help to criticize them or fight them.

Fourth, try to listen and empathize with your partner. Better said, try to understand your spouse’s point of view. That helps you understand their role and their struggles with fulfilling their role.

Finally, remember that you are FOR each other! You want each other to succeed. If one of you doesn’t succeed, neither of you will likely succeed. Be each other’s cheerleaders! Help each other, encourage each other, praise each other, love each other, think about each other, share with each other, and be gentle with each other!

Teamwork will help you stay focused and will help you feel like you are not alone. Feeling alone is probably the most stressful thing in life, and loneliness is the last thing each of us need. You have each other in your corner. Don’t take that for granted. I challenge you to use “team” terminology to improve your focus on teamwork. Team terminology is any term that might relate to being a team and can help you refocus on acting like a team. Be the TEAM YOU COMMITTED TO.  You can do it! You can get through this time TOGETHER.

I hope that this has been helpful.  As this series ends, I hope I have given you information that you can go back to when you need it. If you have any further questions or need help, please call me and set up an appointment or check out some of my other BLOG POSTS.

Want to read the rest of the blog series? START HERE

For more information or to schedule an appointment, call 706-955-0230.

To schedule an appointment online, click the orange button at the top right part of this page.

Can you resonate with being too busy? Overwhelmed? Stressed? Running to the store, going to work, cleaning the house, cooking, laundry, dishes, setting aside time with the kids, setting aside time to spend with the spouse, cutting the grass, etc. It seems to never end. Right? We all feel like we are on never ending treadmills. How many items on our list of tasks did we not complete today, and how many tomorrow and the next day will be left incomplete? What are we chasing after? If you are on that chase, and it is hurting your relationship or just causing you to not succeed, maybe it’s time to sit down, relax and allow yourself to assess and rework your day to day life.

Relaxation is important, as well as work is. Sometimes we get so caught up in what seems important to us that we do not take time to relax and take a break. When we are busy and do not take time to slow down and relax, we may find ourselves worse off than we thought we would be. Have you ever forgotten something or did poor work? Maybe it was because you overworked or overbooked yourself. Sometimes when we get too busy, we actually get less done and the quality of our work suffers.

These same concerns can come into marriage when life gets busy. Kids involved in every sport, racing to get to the next event, trying to just keep up with life and do it all. Are the mistakes and incomplete tasks piling up? Slowing down and taking things off your plate can be helpful. Taking the time to EXPERIENCE the moment instead of RUSH through it, can do wonders for increasing quality workmanship and relationships. Are we sacrificing depth for quantity?

Anxiety tends to be more prevalent in our world than in history. Why? Many leaders in the world believe it is due to the constant need to complete and compete to keep up. We don’t want to fall behind. What are we sacrificing just to keep up? Might this contribute to the divorce rate being 50% in America? Are we too busy and too overwhelmed to enjoy what we have right in front of us?

Here’s what you can do: Slow Down! Cut something out of your life. Take the time to see, smell, taste, hear and touch what is right in front of you. Experience your life! It will be well worth it. I have had clients that after working with them for a while, we come to realize their problem is that they see each day as a list of tasks to complete, but never really become fulfilled. Humans were not meant to be fulfilled by tasks, drugs, sex, or anything else that is finite. Experiences are not finite! God made us to enjoy Him and His creation. Do you enjoy your life? Even the tough times? Have you ever thought, “Wow, so this is what this feels like?” If you don’t know that quote, go watch Sweet Home Alabama and fast forward to the end. At the wedding, the main character stops the wedding and tells the groom he does not want to marry her. He is stunned. However, he does not react how most of us would. He was supposed to be angry. Instead, he marveled at the feeling of rejection. Whether we fail or succeed, is it possible to slow down and experience either outcome so we can know what REAL LIFE FEELS LIKE.

When you slow down in marriage and take the time to relax and experience each moment, your spouse will see a person who is genuine and real. Connection will be possible. Listening will be possible. Empathy will be possible. Love will be possible. Having a true life will be possible. You want your marriage to improve? Slow down and take the time to attend to each moment so that you don’t make mistakes and you go into every moment fulfilling your full potential in that moment. Surface level interaction never goes deep. We can talk about a lot of subjects, but until you take the time to stop, and focus on one subject deeply, you will never truly get anything out of anything. I can do a lot of things in a short amount of time, but it may not be quality work. I can do one thing in the same time and it will be quality and well done! How well do you want to do life? How well do you want to do marriage? Choose to slow down and do the simple things in marriage well!

Want to read the rest of the blog series? START HERE

For more information or to schedule an appointment, call 706-955-0230.

To schedule an appointment online, click the orange button at the top right part of this page.

Next Post In Series – Teamwork

I don’t know about you, but I have not been resting as much as I could be during this time at home with my family. I say could, because I know I have more time on my hands. I have somehow been able to fill that time with something to do. I actually feel more stressed and more tired at times than I did prior to all this craziness. I know I need more rest, and I believe it would help my wife and I improve our relationship.

Rest is important in your life. Ever wonder why God created us to rest? I believe rest was created to force us to slow down so we don’t miss so much. We get so caught up in our accomplishments that we do not take time to enjoy them. We just keep working and working and WORKING, because we want more. God did not necessarily create us to complete every task in the universe. He created us to ENJOY Him over everything else. I miss so much when I am focused on completing a task. It is hard for my wife to get my attention when I am so focused. Our need for rest is a blessing from a God who knows us best!

God rested on the seventh day. He said, “Come to me…I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). God commanded the Israelites to keep the Sabbath Holy.  The Bible talks about rest over and over. It must be important!

In marriage, rest is important, especially when you are juggling parenting, careers, households and yourself. That’s a lot to do. It’s overwhelming. How many of you mother’s out their are saying as you read this, “Brandon, you just don’t even know.” You are right. I don’t know! I do know to ask this question though, “With all this stuff to do, what are you going to do when you can’t take it anymore?”

I suggest not letting it get to that point. Stress builds and bursts. One way to manage stress is to get rest. Some benefits to rest are: improving thought organization, distance from the situation that causes stress, and giving a greater appreciation for what is happening. I heard someone who knew more than me say that studying right before bed helped them do better on a test. I also heard that while studying, taking a break every 45 minutes to an hour helps you to retain the information and helps to refocus the mind in order to study longer.

Rest doesn’t necessarily mean sleep. It can mean, resting the mind, or the muscles. Maybe taking a break from communication or spending quiet time together can be positive rest. Sometimes we just need a break in the activity of life. Rest can help improve your immune system. Too much activity or stress can decrease your immune systems ability to fight off sickness. Research suggests that sleep helps heal the body faster. REST IS GOOD!

So how can we use rest to improve our relationship?

Simply put, rest heals relationships and keeps them strong because you have more energy, clearer thinking and more enjoyment of the things around you. Getting adequate sleep helps your mind and body stay healthy. Sleep helps you think better and can help you regulate your emotions better. Anybody heard the phrase, “Sleep on it?” Decisions are sometimes better when a good night sleep happened right before the decision.

Taking breaks from each other can give you time to be alone or to enjoy activities you like that would not involve your partner.

Sometimes just sitting quietly together can be extremely soothing and enjoyable. Take the pressure off the need to be moving and doing. Start learning how to take time to smell the flowers and hear the birds. Take in the details of your life and you will feel more calm, whole and positive. Other types of rest can be active, such as, meditation and relaxation activities. By intentionally “resting,” you will be able to interact with your spouse or partner in a healthier, more relaxed way. Be creative and find ways you can rest together and apart. Rest your mind and your body. Create time in your busy schedule to take care of yourself through REST.

Resting is important! It can help you be a better person. It can improve your marriage. How are you going to define rest for you? My challenge to you is to define rest for yourself and your marriage. Then set some rules and parameters around how you are going to obtain that rest.

Want to read the rest of the blog series? START HERE

For more information or to schedule an appointment, call 706-955-0230.

To schedule an appointment online, click the orange button at the top right part of this page.

Next Post In Series – Relax

I hope you have received help through this series. I have enjoyed writing it, but I am concerned that I am not focusing on what’s most important right now. I don’t want to miss the fact that life has shifted for everyone of us so quickly. Many people are hurting right now. Some couples are scared and worried about their future and their families. There are many couples grieving due to loss. Everything has been turned upside down in only a few short months. How many of us have seen so much change so quickly. Even for those who have not been hit hard, it’s still be shocking and thrown us off in some way. The reality and gravity of the situation has still not been fully grasped. But I do know one thing, we need each other more than ever at this time. We need to be CONNECTED.

This opening brings me to my topic for this week. How can we practice listening to improve our relationships? I fully believe that learning to listen is one of the most important skills a couple can build. Most couples I work with have a listening problem. In fact, I think we all do! I would never leave myself out of that group.  Some couples have even said about their spouse, “He/She doesn’t listen to me.” Have you ever heard that? I have definitely thought that a few times. In most of my relationships I have thought that at some point. Sorry Mom, Dad, friends, and family! But it’s true. If we are honest with ourselves, we would say at some point in our lives we felt unheard. If most of us have felt unheard, then the opposite is true: It’s likely most of us have not listened well at times also. If you KNOW that you are not so good at listening, or maybe you just want to learn how to listen better, let’s dig into how we can all PRACTICE being better listeners, especially in this time of change and unpredictability, so we can increase CONNECTION.

My 4 tips to listening can help all of us connect better in our relationships and decrease negative interactions. During this tough time, emotions may run high. Increased stress, hurt and pain may lead to quick reactions. Unfortunately, all to often, we are unable to stop these quick reactions. It is more important than ever to learn how to avoid these negative interactions, otherwise we double our pain and stress.

  • My first tip: Remind yourself that your spouse loves you and has REAL, UN-IMAGINED emotions that have a reason! I can’t count the times I have told my wife, “You shouldn’t feel that way.” I disregard her feelings all together when I say that. If you think this thought or say this to your spouse, then you have your first sign that you are not listening. So, assess your tendency to disregard your spouses reality.
  • My second tip is to TUNE into their feelings and the meaning behind their feelings. This step requires a little practice. It may help to practice even when you are alone. Say to yourself, “They have feelings and they are important. I need to understand them. Be curious and ask them to help me understand their meaning.” I try to repeat this phrase often. It’s not a full-proof method to decrease reacting out of defensiveness or disregarding someones feelings, but that old cliche keeps coming back to my mind, “Practice makes perfect.” Tune into your spouses feelings by intentionally seeking understanding.
  • My third tip is to KNOCK OUT DEFENSIVENESS. Ahh, I have a boxer mindset. My way of boxing is to wait and sneak in a DEFENSIVE jab or two. I will go on the offensive at times, but usually after the other person swings first. I am the defensive one in my marriage. My wife asks, “Are you breathing?” My reaction: “Who me? Why would you think that? I was just over his smelling some flowers and being all innocent and stuff…” Okay, that is a little exaggeration, but you get my point. How do you feel when you are trying to explain how you feel and they defend themselves instead of listening to you and not attempting to understand you? THEY DON’T CARE! THEY ARE MORE WORRIED ABOUT THEMSELVES THAN HOW I FEEL! And you might be right! Or, they might be fearful or feeling attacked or they just don’t want to upset you. Unfortunately, their missing you. They missed the whole point. They had a chance to connect with you and help you build their trust in you that is longed for. Yet, you chose to defend yourself instead of put aside your own concerns. Remember: Defensiveness is NOT LISTENING. Knock it out by taking responsibility for where you messed up even if you don’t FEEL like you did. Apologize and tune in to their feelings. You will be surprised at how close the connection becomes once you do that. Defensiveness is distance. Listening is connection.
  • Finally, my fourth tip is to MAKE TIME to go deep. Sometimes we are “too busy” to stop and hear our partner. We have the time right now, at least some of us do. Make time to ask how they are doing. Then listen! Ask tough questions. Then Listen! Be intentional to get off your phone and start a conversation. Then LISTEN! Then make it a habit to do this at the same time, or times, every week. I assume you get my point.

With our world turned upside down, now may be a better time than ever to turn your marriage back right side up. Don’t waste this time! Don’t waste the opportunity to fix things while you have more time. The world will get back moving again, probably sooner than we think. It already is in some ways. Don’t regret intentionally taking the time to learn to listen and connect to your spouse.

If you want to learn more about listening, visit this PAGE.

If you want to read the other blog post in this series, here is the first POST.

If you want help with your relationship, please call me at 706-955-0230 or CLICK ON THE ORANGE BAR AT THE TOP RIGHT OF THIS PAGE TO SET UP AN APPOINTMENT OR FREE 15 MINUTE CONSULT!

Next Post In Series – Rest

Throughout my son’s childhood, I have admired his ability to play with just about anything he can put his hands on. My house usually looks like the path after a tornado by the end of the day. It gets frustrating to clean it all up and can be sense of contention between my wife and I as well as our children. However, I have noticed that when we are helping him pick it up, that his creativity in his play is mind boggling. He doesn’t just play with one set of toys or stay in one spot (hence the tornado). He has a unique ability to gather different objects and play with them together. It sometimes seems to have no rhyme or reason. He tends to have a knack for spontaneity by just picking up a toy where ever he is at, at any given time, and just go with it. I wish I still had that ability.

Somewhere along the way, we adults lose this ability. We lose the ability to be creative and the ability to just enjoy being spontaneous. We lose the ability to be flexible and go with the flow. And, not only that, we lose the ability to be playful.

Play involves all of those things: spontaneity, creativity, flexibility, and fun! The definition of play is engaging in an activity for enjoyment and recreation rather than a serious or practical purpose. Being serious squelches fun and sometimes creativity. Have you ever been so focused on one thing, that you miss something important? Being serious also keeps us from being flexible at times. I know this first hand. When it’s bed time, IT’S BED TIME! My wife probably thinks I have a stick up my YOU KNOW WHAT every night about 8:00 PM. IT’S BED TIME! I am rarely flexible on this issue, and I become serious and goal oriented about this same time every night. I don’t know if this is my anxiety or fear about what may happen if they don’t get in bed on time, but that is another topic for another day and should be explored. Staying on topic, play rarely has a set goal if it is fun. Sometimes even playing sports can be so goal oriented that it loses it’s fun. PLAY IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN!

Many couples lose their ability to play and have fun. When they were dating, they were flirty and playful… spontaneous, surprising, flexible and creative, BUT not long after they tied the knot, their life became mundane and monotonous…stressful, tense and goal oriented.

Relationships thrive off of playfulness!

Think about when you had your best times. Were you playful? Were you spontaneous? My guess is the answer is “YES!” The times we have the most fun with our partner is when we are playful. Being playful helps others to relax and enjoy the moment. Having fun creates memories that have a lasting affect on us and help couples to build deeper connections and help to grow the relationship. When we are playful, we tend to seize the moment. When we are playful, we don’t take life for granted. Being playful with your spouse is about loving and enjoying life despite the stressors around you. It’s about controlling what you actually CAN control. You CAN CONTROL how much fun you  have and create with each other, even in time of stress and discomfort.

I encourage you to use this time to play with one another. Be creative as we talked about in a previous blog post. Don’t let the worries of this world keep you from enjoying each day with one another. Lighten up! Be spontaneous, flexible and open to the possibilities around you. Play as my son plays! As you walk through your life, STOP and NOTICE the things around you. Be curious. Be that tornado that leaves a path of meaning behind you as you enjoy each moment with your spouse!

If you are having trouble find ways to play or enjoying time with your spouse, please let me know. Email Me or Call Me at 706-955-0230. Set up a free 15 minute consultation! Or go back and check out the rest of this blog series.

Next Post In Series – Practice listening and understanding

 

One of the best ways to improve your relationship is to have fun together. The more diverse the activities you experience together, the more you learn about each other and grow your admiration for one another. When you are stuck at home, one way to expand your activities is to get creative OUTSIDE. Obviously we all have different places we live, but being in quarantine does not necessarily mean you have to stay in your house, at least in Georgia where I live. Getting outside provide you Vitamin D from the sun that will help boost your mood. It will provide you fresh air and room to move. Also, it gets you away from those screens that we all have our eyes glued to. When you get away from screen time you invite activities that help to release energy and stress.

Here is my list of 10 activities that everyone of us can do outdoors:

  1. Exercise: Running, walking, push-ups, squats, dancing, jumping, and many other exercises can help with releasing that pent up stress. It also allows you to release endorphins that help you to feel good. Think about how productive you will feel. Can you imagine how awesome you would feel if you used your free time to get back into that exercise routine that you failed at after New Year’s? It’s fortunately warming up and all exercise can be done, OUTSIDE! Another benefit is a boost in self-esteem when you achieve that “beach body” we all desire.
  2. Throwing a ball or a frisbee: My wife and I every now and then will find a place to throw a ball of some sort or a frisbee. I love it! I enjoy the competition we create, and I love the thrill on her face when I don’t throw so well and she still catches it. But wait, isn’t this exercise too? YES SIR! All the benefits from exercise still exists.
  3. Water activities: Wash your car, create a slip and slide, get a little mini pool or just douse each other with water balloons or buckets of water. Water makes summer fun, so who says we can’t go ahead and bring it out of hibernation. It’s warm enough, and even if it’s not, remember that exercise we talked about? If you do some of that first, you will be warm enough to play in water.
  4. Sidewalk Chalk: My kids love this! Since my son was old enough to draw, we have been chalking up our driveway. He likes to draw roads, houses and football stadiums. Remember Hop Scotch? I like these new “stain glass” chalk drawings that people are doing too. Art is a great way to use your mind and creativity. It also gets you our of the house.
  5. Garden: Now for some people this might be hard if you are in an apartment. However, you probably can still garden in some way. If you go out in the parking lot with a bucket, dirt, seeds and water, you can plant you a small plant, or flowers. Others of you who have even a small yard can create a garden or plant flowers. We bought some small wild flower seeds and a planter from Walmart and are now watching them grow.
  6. People Watch: It’s an old past time that none of us do much anymore. We don’t take the time to slow down and just sit. I know all of us are at home, but I bet if you find some green space, there will be people to watch. Go sit on a bench or lay a mat out and take the time to be curious about people and behavior.
  7. Picnics: Along with the people watching, bring along a lunch. Eat out side on your back porch. My kids love it when I say we can “have a picnic.” This activity combines sunshine, fresh air, food and people watching.
  8. Bird Watching: This is for the curious at heart. Find a bird book and go see how many different types of birds you can find together. You will be amazed at the thrill you will feel when you both spot a bird and can name it. I know I sound like a nerd, but it is fun and stimulating.
  9. Talk to your neighbors: Who ever said we couldn’t get out and see people? If you are standing outside, 6 feet, 10 feet, 20 feet away, it is probably unlikely you will catch COVID-19. And when was the last time you spoke to your neighbor, or even met them? Humans are social beings. Say hello, be curious and start up a conversation. Ask them how they are fairing and how their life has changed since all this started. Get to know them and you may have just made new friends with another couple.
  10. Prayer Walk: I know, this one is probably not one you were expecting. Out of so much more I could talk about. There are so many activities you could do and I would love to list them all, but walking and praying together is a great way to experience deeper understanding and connection with each other. Even if you don’t believe in God, maybe their is a way you do this differently. Couples are meant to connect on a deeper level to grow their relationship, and during this time, we need to believe in something more than ourselves.

I hope these 10 suggestions help. I know their are a lot more and if you think of more, share them with others. I just want to jog your thoughts to help you be open to the many outdoor activities that we can experience together, even when our world is turned upside down. I even encourage you to find some that you will continue when or if everything returns to normal. It’s more about connecting with each other than it is about the actual activity.

 

If you want to check out the original blog post for this series GO HERE!

If you have questions or have concerns about your relationship, please call me at 706-955-0230 or EMAIL ME from my CONTACT page.

Next Post In Series – Be playful

Stress and monotony becoming the norm? Being at home more than usual and not being able to get out increases boredom, unless you have figured out how to be creative since two blog posts ago. Sometimes there is not enough creativity to help a couple to feel good about each. More time spent together and more time outside of your element may make it hard to look past each other’s faults.

EXTRA grace and forgiveness at this time may go a long way! It may even save a relationship! Maybe a little more grace and forgiveness is what your relationship has always needed!

Everyone knows what grace and forgiveness are, but just in case you are a little fuzzy on it, let me clue you in to what I am referring to. Grace is the ability to look past someone’s mistakes when they don’t deserve it. From a Christian view, Grace means “unmerited favor.” If a couple gives each other grace, they will withhold their criticism and anger when their spouse or partner does something they shouldn’t. Grace can be really healing. Grace can bring a couple closer due to feeling like your partner understands that their is more to you than your mistakes. Grace allows a two people to be able to be themselves around each other.

Forgiveness is the ability stop feeling upset towards someone about an offense. Some people don’t like the idea of forgiveness because they think it means to “forgive and FORGET.” I tell my clients that forgiveness is important, but forgetting is impossible. Our brains were not really made to forget. So what does forgiveness look like then? It looks like being able to give up the fight to hold your partner accountable. It goes hand and hand with grace. It looks like loving them and letting go of the hurt. One way to think about forgiveness is to make a DELIBERATE CHOICE to release feelings of resentment and hurt so as to open back up to someone else to possibility to make it right.

So, as things continue to be confusing, stressful and tough, CHOOSE to give your spouse or partner a chance to make mistakes. And when they do, CHOOSE to give them the gift of forgiveness!

To learn more, go back to my original blog of this series.

If you would like to ask me questions about relationship concerns, call me at 706-955-0230 or EMAIL ME.

Next Post In Series – Get outside

Many of us who are home at this time find that our duties are actually increasing. Children being home from school and more people in the household creating messes means more clean up and monitoring of the homestead. If you are still working, especially from home, you might be pulling double duty. This increases the stress that spouses are facing compared to the usual life of going to work. Few breaks are available. At least, if I am at work I get away from the home environment for some amount of time. If I am working from home and the kids are there, it all runs together. I fortunately have a remote place I can work from, but I have taken the time to go home for lunch or in the middle of the day for an hour or so. By doing this, I believe I am giving my wife a break and breaking up my own day.

Sharing duties and giving time to reboot can help with this increased strain on the household and the marriage. Communication is the key here. If you are feeling stressed and need some help with certain duties or just time to yourself, it is important to verbalize your needs. I unfortunately do not have the ability to hear my wife’s thoughts, so I bet your spouse does not have that ability either.

There are some keys to verbalizing your needs though.

First, understand that your expectations to get what you need may not be met. By lowering your expectations, you may help to keep from creating conflict with your partner. So, how does verbalizing my needs help? The more information provided to your spouse, the more likely they will be able to meet your needs or help you get what you need. I am sure you have heard the phrase, “If it is not documented, it didn’t happen.” In this case, if it was not verbalized, then it is not a problem to be resolved.

The second thing to remember when verbalizing your needs is TIMING. Please make sure you don’t just verbalize your needs because you are emotional. Emotions are never a good clock to tell you when you should communicate about something. God gave us brains for a reason. If your partner is busy, stressed or upset at that time, maybe it is not the best TIME to express needs.

Third, figure out how to express your needs in the best way possible. Check out my thoughts about communication in relationships. Finding the right way to say something is important. Some tips are to watch your tone, check your volume and monitor your attitude. Men, soften your voice like you are speaking to your beloved grandmother. A booming, commanding voice is not necessarily “assertive.”  Women, a high pitch, screechy voice will not get your husband to hear you. Try getting close to him, gently placing your hand on his arm and speaking him name in a regular, loving tone (Directed at both genders).   Ask your partner how they would like you to speak to them. Then, ask them to help you practice. Practice makes perfect.

By communicating well, you are able to help your spouse to understand your needs. Now that you are able to do that, partners need to be selfless. As you learn what your spouse needs, offer to help them with those needs. That’s where sharing duties comes in. If your husband is working from home and now finds himself pulling double duty with the kids and work, but usually cleans the bathrooms and takes out the trash too, maybe as a wife you can pick up one of those tasks to lighten his load. If you are a husband who’s wife is home all day with the kids (2 months before they were supposed to be home all day), tell your wife to go take a bath when you get home and enjoy some alone time while you make dinner, wash the dishes and get the kids ready for bed (Giving your wife a reboot). It is understandable that stress had increased along with possibly your duties at home. A little teamwork, sharing duties, and serving each other will go a long ways. It’s definitely not time to dig your hills in. It’s not time to fight. It’s time to communicate your needs and work as a team. Serving one another is loving one another. You finally have a chance to do that. Don’t waste time being mad at each other. Good Luck!

Check out the original post to this series HERE.

Next Post In Series – Learn about grace and forgiveness

I have been home all weekend and have been struggling with this way to improve my marriage. I am the expert on marriage and can’t even help myself sometimes. But creativity doesn’t necessarily come easily. I was thinking about how I was putting what I tell others to do into practice. I guess a fun thing we did do this weekend was to get our kids a blow up water slide. Yes, I know, it was kind of chilly. They LOVED it! I think playing on that was the most exhaustive thing they have done since being out of school. It wasn’t necessarily for me and my wife, but we did get some enjoyment out of watching the kids. I could list all the generic things we have done, but that wouldn’t help you with creativity or marriage.

I want to give you one inspiring thought though. Sometimes marriage is boring. I know that isn’t very exciting or arousing, but it’s true! Isn’t that amazing? I am actually glad that it can be boring. Because creativity usually gets sparked in times of rest and monotony. So, while the spouse and I were sitting around a lot this weekend, I seemed to have more ideas pop into my mind than usual. Although, without a little direction, they weren’t necessarily thoughts about improving my marriage. So, lets see how we can do this.

I think being intentional is important. Like I said, my thoughts weren’t directed at my marriage, but I did have a lot of new and creative ideas. What would have happened if I had directed them at my marriage? Well, hopefully I would have been more open and creative with improving my marriage.

Next, I think the traditional brainstorming technique would be helpful. Yes! That technique we all learned in English class. Basically, sit with a piece of paper and write down everything that comes to mind about a certain topic. Then write down everything that comes to mind about each of those topics and so on and so forth. Let me try it real quick:

Basketball, Baseball, throwing the ball, hitting the ball, fun outside, fun inside….Okay, I will stop with that. That reminds me. My spouse and eye got a glove, a bat and a bunch of tennis balls a few days ago and I threw her some while she wacked them way to far. I got tired quickly for having to run 30 or 40 yards to retrieve all of them. I guess I need to work on that. Which leads me to another idea. How many of you exercise regularly? Why not exercise together?

You see, I just came up with 2 in no time through brainstorming. Other ways you can come up with ideas is to call up friends and family and ask them what they are doing. You can also check out things on the internet. I recently found out you can get an escape room in a box shipped to you.

Another way to increase creativity is to shut off your devices. TV, video games, scrolling Facebook all do the thinking for you. Shut them down. Read a book. Write a journal about what you are experience. Write letters. Read that Bible you have been wanting to read if only you had time off. Pray together.

Finally, I encourage you to do whatever you come up with, together! Think about what each other like. Your brains are powerful! It is made by the Creator of the Universe! Don’t lose it, use it! God has given us a unique opportunity to make changes to our life due to slowing everything down. It’s time to really work on the creative side to increase love and connection with each other. Marriage takes effort and creativity may take time. But it’s worth it! Let me know what creative ideas you come up with by emailing me. Maybe I will add them to this post.

If you are struggling with your marriage call me at 706-955-0230. If you want to read more posts go to my Blog.

Next Post In Series – Share duties and give each other time to reboot

We are now weeks into this think called quarantine, or “shelter in place.” I first wonder who came up with these terms. I guess that does matter much, but when you have as much time on your hands as some of us do, you start thinking about things that you would not normally ponder.

Anyways, time to help with that first of ten things that could help improve your marriage while in quarantine. Why did I pick patience and kindness first? I don’t really know. It was the first thing that came to mind when I was thinking about what I needed to do. My kids are home all day, my wife is having to endure them for longer hours than she is used to. I am fortunately working. So, I am not at home like many of you are at this point. I still am getting to spend more time with my family because I am choosing to work from a remote office and can run by the house when I choose. I have also chosen to take at least one day off a week. I am taking this time to rest and relax as I believe God is giving us this opportunity that we rarely choose for ourselves.

Sorry, that was a tangent I probably did not need to go down, but now back to patience and kindness. Patience means the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset. Wow, what a concept. I am not good at this. I need this. The Bible says one of the “Fruits of the Spirit” is patience. It also says in 1 Corinthians 13:4 “Love is patient and kind….” There are so many places in the Bible that talk about patience. I wish I had enough space here to quote many of them, but that is not the purpose of this post. I just want you to know that patience and kindness are important. If the Bible talk about them, then they must be. It is wise to be patience as Proverbs 14:29 says “Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding.” Isn’t that being tolerant? How many of us are at a point right now where we are able to tolerate our circumstances. Forget tolerating your spouse or children. What about just having to be locked in your house? We humans need diversity, stimulation, excitement and fun.

So what are we going to do? Well, the second part of my heading was about kindness. I think patience and kindness have to go hand in hand. If I practice kindness, I can be patience. If I practice patience, I have more opportunity to be kind. I think this is a time to PRACTICE kindness and patience with our spouses. Kindness is the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate. How many of us are kind everyday, even when we are not in quarantine? It’s hard, but not impossible. I think this is a perfect time for us to find a way to practice kindness and patience. You didn’t learn most of the things by just being able to do them naturally. You had to PRACTICE. I will use this term a lot.

So, how do we PRACTICE patience and kindness. I encourage you to write some Bible verses down about patience and kindness and memorize them. Read them and recite them 3-4 times a day or more. Pray and meditate with them. Ask God to help become more patient with your wife or husband. Ask others how they show kindness to their spouses. The opposite of kindness and patience is selfishness and intolerance. Can you find one thing a day that show kindness towards your spouse? Kindness toward a spouse may seem like a no brainer, but I have seen many couples that in their marriage don’t show kindness. One act of kindness sometimes is all it takes to turn things around. Be kind. Be patient. It’s time for us to be kind to each other so we can show our kids, friends, and family how to build a relationship in the midst of hard times. Let’s pull together and change our marriages and our communities through patience and kindness.

Please contact me (706-955-0230) if you are struggling with this. I would love to help you or just find a way to make your marriage better or you as an individual better.

Check out the other 10 things to do to improve your marriage at this post.

Next Post In Series – Bring back your creative side

Staying home due to COVID-19? Are you finding it hard to manage your relationship, the children or working from home? The combination of those three can increase stress if you don’t know how to manage them well. It’s like the movie, The Perfect Storm. Please forgive me if I get this wrong, but if I remember correctly, in that movie 3 different storms come together and create a super storm. Sound familiar?

Having to work from home while the kids are home schooling and trying to keep from getting bored, and your spouse is home all day everyday, sounds like 3 stressful “storms” coming together to create a super storm. What are you going to do? How are you going to juggle it all?

Unfortunately, there may be more storms. If you are like me, I get cravings. The usual ability to get out and have fun or see different scenery than your own familiar walls is a very missed luxury during this time. Humans need newness, excitement and experiences outside the norm. I heard one person say recently, “There is a reason they use solitary confinement in jails and prisons.” We may not be totally isolated, but the combination of the changes that have come upon us so suddenly can cause intense amount of stress, especially when combined with the anxiety around COVID-19.

So, I want to try to help. Hopefully, this series of posts will provide some ideas on how to keep your relationship on track while working through the changes. Here are my 10 tips to improving your marriage during quarantine.

  1. Practice patience and kindness
  2. Bring back your creative side
  3. Share duties and give each other time to reboot
  4. Learn about grace and forgiveness
  5. Get outside
  6. Be playful
  7. Practice listening and understanding
  8. Rest
  9. Relax
  10. Focus on teamwork

These 10 tips are almost self explanatory, but I will expound on them in the next few blog posts. They may not seem like they are ways to improve your relationship, but if you are practicing each of these daily or weekly, I can assure you they will help. Please stay tuned. If you are having trouble in your relationship, please don’t wait to call me or email me so we can talk about how I can help you. Sometimes people just get temporarily stuck. Sometimes there are deeper things going on. Sometimes we just need someone to listen to us. Whatever it is, let me help!

Call 706-955-0230 to make an appointment or schedule through the patient portal.

Next Post In Series – Practice Patience and Kindness

 

What year is it? Where does the time go? I am sitting here wondering how yesterday is already gone. It seems it was just yesterday I was getting excited about the season changing. It seems like a good time to talk about being intentional in life and in your marriage.  Let’s talk about creating about new goals, not resolutions! Have I mentioned I don’t like the word resolution? It seems when I want to make resolutions, nothing gets resolved. So, I am sticking with goals.

A goal of mine is to be more intentional in my daily life, especially my marriage. This would be a key that you may want to use to unlock the potential of your life. So, it would be good to go over some simple ways to increase intentionality in your relationship so that you can get ahead and take hold of your life and not let wasted time ruin it.

Here are 5 ways to be intentional in your marriage:

  1. Start small
  2. Set reminders
  3. Manage your impulsiveness
  4. Be positive and use your words wisely
  5. Touch more

Start Small

The first way to be intentional in marriage is to pick one thing you will be intentional about. You did read that right, “one thing”! My one thing right now is reading. I know that doesn’t sound like a relationship topic, but I am specifically going to be intentional about reading the best books and articles I can find about relationships. You might be wondering, “Why does a marriage therapist needs to do this?” Well, it never hurts to increase your knowledge and understanding of how relationships work. And, have I mentioned, even marriage therapist don’t know everything about relationships. My goal is to read about relationships to help me with the next way of being intentional.

Set Reminders

A second way to be intentional is to remind yourself to be intentional. Have you ever had the best intentions, but didn’t follow through? Sometimes we need a cue to remind us to follow through. So, create a cue to help you be intentional. My cue is not only reading about relationships to help me think about and remember to improve myself in my relationship, but also to set reminders to read. Whatever that is for you, keep your cue SIMPLE. Set a reminder on your phone. Make sticky notes to post on your bathroom mirror or refrigerator. Just make sure that your cue works for you.

Manage your impulsiveness

A third way to be intentional is to practice managing your impulsiveness. SLOW YOURSELF DOWN! Take deep breaths. Monitor your emotions. Examine your thoughts. This does not sound easy or simple does it? That’s why I use the word PRACTICE. You may have to use the second intentional idea to help you with the third. Use a cue to help you be intentional about managing yourself.

Sometimes I teach people to use STOPP (Stop, take a deep breath, observe, find other perspectives, and plan). Just say “Stop!” to yourself and then follow the order of the acronym. By doing this you can manage your emotions and behavior better, but you have to be intentional about managing yourself. If that method does not work for you, there are all sorts of methods out there. Maybe being intentional for you is to actually take the step to find one that works for you.

Be positive and use your words wisely

A fourth way to be intentional is with your words. Be intentional to say positive things to your partner or spouse. In John Gottman’s research on healthy marriages, he found that for every one negative interaction a healthy couple has, they have five positive interactions. What does that mean for you? I think it means you have to create positivity in your relationship and be intentional about being positive, even when you don’t feel like it. I tell my clients, “Say nothing negative AT ALL.”

Touch More

A fifth way to to be intentional in your marriage is to touch more. A simple hug, kiss, or light touch on the back or arm can be very healthy in a relationship. When a couple touches it increases the release of Oxycontin (the bonding hormone). You will feel closer the more you touch. It’s also very hard to be mean to someone while holding their hands. So, maybe you can try to hold hands while talking about hard subjects. Snuggling on the couch or giving back rubs can be healthy too. Kissing for 5 to 10 seconds can do wonders for a relationship.

Conclusion

So, there they are! My top 5 simple and intentional relationship builders to quickly improve your relationship. Maybe they aren’t so simple, because you have to actually do them for them to work. I somehow think the hardest part is to choose to do them, take some action, then be consistent. I hope this helps you to be more intentional and proactive in your marriage and relationship starting today!

Check out other post HERE!

What is most important to you? The closest people in your life may not be able to guess what it is most important to you, but may be able to tell you what seems to be your highest priority by viewing your actions. The couples and individuals that come see me in my office all appear to have similar priorities at the beginning of therapy. Consider your own priorities and what is important to you?

Priorities matter because they dictate what you will spend most of your time doing. Also, the thing you spend most of your time doing will become the major influence on all your other priorities by limiting time for other priorities and effecting who you are as a person. By effecting who you are as a person, the top priority also effects how all other priorities play out in your life.

Many individuals that come to my office tend to place general priorities in the following order:

  1. Work
  2. Children
  3. Marriage
  4. Spirituality

There are variations to this order, but my question to most of them is: “What do you think the order should be?” Most of them would change the order to something that seems more logical, especially placing children at the top of the order. The desired order of priorities tends to change based on beliefs and background. However, I believe that priorities matter because the order will help improve every piece of your life. Notice that the individual themselves are usually left out of this order of priorities. I think that actually is significant, and healthy, only if the order of priorities are placed in the “right” way to create the maximum effectiveness.

So what is the “right” way? Without stating this as an absolute, I believe that the “right” order of priorities for anybody should be as follows:

  1. Spirituality/Relationship with God
  2. Marriage
  3. Children
  4. Work

Once again, I leave out the individual self as a priority or important entity to attend to due to how having this version of order of priorities decreases the need for focus on “taking care of the self.” Let’s look at why this specific version of order of priorities is superior to other priorities.

First, let’s explore what happens when a person puts their relationship with God and spirituality first. By doing this, the person likely will read more Scripture, pray more, meditate on Biblical verses, decrease influences or interest that do not match the teachings of the Scripture and they will hopefully become overall, “better” people. I believe becoming “better” and more loving is the result of putting spirituality first because a person gains a sense of morality, humility and integrity.

Second, if a person becomes “better” and more loving through placing spirituality as their number 1 priority, then it makes since that that person would be a better spouse. Why? Because the Bible teaches love, humility, integrity, servanthood, sacrifice and more concepts that a spouse would need to have if they would be considered a great spouse. If both spouses have this same order of operations and thus have a great marriage then they portray behaviors that will help a child learn and become a healthy, successful adult. They also work better as a team and thus are better able to create effective structure and relationships with their children.

Third, focus on the children then becomes secondary to marriage, because the priority of marriage actually can be protective and developmentally healthy for children to witness. If at that point, children thrive, it is evident that because a parent is a better person due to their improved relationship with God and then their spouse shows why order of priorities is important.

Fourth, if everything above work is running well, then would has to worry about anything else but impacting the world the best way they know how, through their work. If a person’s relationship with God makes them a better person, then that means the top priority not only effects their marriage and their parenting, but also, their work performance. However, because children and marriage are so important to hold all this together, then work comes last. Because as has been said, “If momma isn’t happy, nobody is happy.” I know that is cliché, but can anyone focus on their work as well as they need to and make an impact if things are not going well at home (in parenting or marriage).

Finally, the priority to take care of yourself is completed through keeping this order of priorities in place. If I feel good about my spirituality, marriage, parenting capabilities and my job, then I am in a good place. It seems that the only time I need to use coping skills is if things are not going well. So, by using this order of priorities, we can indirectly improve every aspect of our lives.

I have a motto when working with people in my office: “You are what makes you happy.” Choices matter and thus whatever you choose to work on matters. Prioritize your choices and efforts in life so that you your life feels better because you are better. How many times do we look back and see we focus on the wrong thing. Change your heart and change your focus. It’s all about what you focus on and what you make most important in your life.