How to Handle a Sexually Demanding Husband
Are you having concerns about how much your husband is making sexual advances towards you? Many couples have differing sex drives and different understandings of how much sex they should be having. Sometimes a wife can get overwhelmed and feel turned off by her husband when he is too pushy for sex. This is not abnormal. You are created differently and have different needs. Yet, when you feel he is being too sexually demanding, something might be off.
You are probably wondering what to do about this. It’s not always an easy answer. Remember, you can’t control him. But finding a balance that works for both of you is so important. In order to get things where you want them, it is important to consider why your husband is doing this, what healthy boundaries you need to put in place, and how to communicate your concerns.
Why is my husband demanding sex?
There are several reasons why he might be pushing for more sex. One could be that he has a high sex drive. Another could be that he feels stressed and disconnected. Yet, another reason may be that there is not enough intimacy in the relationship at this point in your marriage.
Does he have a high sex drive?
Most men have a higher sex drive than their wives. However, that does not mean that wives don’t desire sex. As was stated above, God created males and females differently. Men tend to have higher testosterone rates which drives sexual desire among other things. This should not come as a surprise to you. It’s always funny to me when wives who come into my office are surprised by their husband’s “unquenchable sex drive.” Jokingly, I tell them that I would think his liking you would be a good thing.
However, I know the question is not about his desire level. The question is about why he is demanding it so much. His sex drive is out of proportion to yours though. He wants it more than you do. He can get aroused quicker than you. His ability to drop everything and only think about sex is a factor of his creation. God made him to focus intently on something and not get distracted by other things.
A high sex drive makes a husband more likely to think about sex. Think about it. When he sees you walk in the room, he could be triggered to think about sex just by looking at you. Possibly any part of you could trigger this. Your smell could trigger it. And, combine that with our society’s trend toward sexuality, what do you expect? He can get triggered at any time and any place. We can only hope that he directs it towards you, his wife!
Stress can cause an increased desire for sex.
Have you ever been stressed? Why am I asking this? Of Course! What do you do when you are stressed? Do you eat? Take a shower? Exercise? Talk to a good friend? Play video games or binge on TV? All of these things I mentioned are ways to make you feel better. When we are stressed, we just want relief.
When your husband is stressed, he wants relief. When you and your husband have sex, especially after orgasm, you feel better. You get a “release.” Husbands usually feel like all is right with the world and start to feel sleepy. In some ways, men know that sex is one of the best stress relievers.
Sex relieves stress not only because of intense pleasure but also because of the sense of connection. Touching someone affectionately makes us destress. We feel like we belong. A sense of comfort and emotional safety comes over us. This may not be true in conflictual marriages, but certainly can be.
Not enough sex in the relationship.
Wives, have you ever considered that the amount of sex you are having is not normal? I am not talking to all of you. So please don’t get offended. This also does not apply to all relationships. You have to assess your relationship and determine what is the right amount of sex for marriage. This is where communication comes in. We will talk about that a little later.
In different surveys, the majority of married couples said the average average number of times they had sex is about once or twice a week. Now this number is not to enforce that rule. This is more of understanding what is “normal.” Now I don’t lean on normal, so please don’t take that as the standard. Another statistic said that 17% of married couples only had sex twice or less in the past year. However, 83% have sex at least once per month. So take it for what it is. All in all, statistics show that married couples tend to be happier when they are intimate on average once a week.
I am not asking you to compare yourself. I am asking you to think about how much you are having sex and if it is drastically less than once per month, then that might be a problem. Even if it is once per month, ask yourself why that might be. And if you are one of those couples who have it less than once a week, maybe it’s not enough. My encouragement is to communicate and explore. Each relationship is different and certainly not one size fits all. The right amount of sex will be what you and your husband are both comfortable with and willing to compromise on.
Healthy boundaries around sex and affection.
It’s important to have healthy boundaries in all aspects of your life. If you are not setting them, then you probably are stressed, frustrated, and unhappy. Boundaries for your interaction around sex and affection are necessary. They will dictate what is appropriate and what is not. With appropriate boundaries in your marriage, you will feel respected and loved.
Ask yourself questions like, “When am I okay with him touching me in sensitive areas? Certainly not in public or around the kids. You probably don’t like the poking, grabbing, or prodding that happened when you first met. Those were teenage behaviors that were signs of immaturity and disrespect. You want to be treated with gentleness and as a person, not an object. When are times that you are not open to intimacy? What makes you feel uncomfortable?
These are questions you need to answer and clarify for your husband. They need to know what is off-limits and what is not. Yes, they are your husband and they have desires too, but that does not mean you have to succumb to humiliation and feeling uncomfortable. You deserve to be loved. Find a time and a place to tell him these things and do not back off of them. Will he listen and follow through? Maybe not, but you have the right to respond with hurt and concern if he does not respect your requests. Boundaries should have spelled out consequences if the line is crossed. That way an applied consequence does not seem like it came out of the blue.
It’s not enough just to express your boundaries. Don’t stop asking your husband about his sex drive. Keep asking questions and communicate your needs and wants too. A marriage thrives on communication and understanding. A healthy sex life does too! When you express your boundaries, listen to his concerns and if you are able, allow for some compromise.
Discuss what his following through on respecting and loving you the way you would like to be loved would mean to you. Let him know that you understand his desire for you and that makes you feel good that he wants you that much. Yet, it’s important that he knows you feel more comfortable when he does it another way. Also, talk about how much sex is enough for ya’ll and find ways to be sexual even if you aren’t having intercourse.
Sometimes it is important to be open to other options. The point is that sex and intimacy are a result of a great relationship. Statistics show a correlation between happiness in a relationship and the amount of sex. The likelihood is that happiness comes before a lot of sex. Maybe you aren’t happy with how the relationship is going, so you want distance. This certainly would make you think your husband is demanding because you are in some ways pushing him away or avoiding the depth of intimacy because of the hurt in the relationship. Communicate your concerns and work on the health of your relationship.
The bottom line is that finding ways to communicate and let each other know what is going on is so important. Your husband does not want to upset you. He wants to connect with you. However, he probably doesn’t realize how the demand for sex makes you feel. He needs to know where he stands with you and what the boundaries are. Communicate about your differences. Respect and appreciate the differences. Love each other for who you are and work on the friendship between you. This will help him to see your needs and you to have a higher desire for him.
Blessings to you! I hope this has been helpful. If you have questions or need further help, please call me at (706) 955-0230 and set up an appointment or check out some of my other BLOG POSTS.
Brandon Coussens is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and owner of Legacy Marriage Resources, LLC based in Augusta, Georgia. He specializes in marriage counseling and sex therapy. You can schedule a counseling appointment with him through Legacy Marriage Resources. He also offers Christian Coaching, Marriage Coaching, Financial Coaching, and Life Coaching to those who live outside the state of Georgia. To learn more about him, go to his Bio page.