My Wife Hasn’t Slept With Me In Months: 5 reasons your wife is not interested
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When a wife doesn’t seem interested in sex or is avoiding it, what is going on? You are confused and frustrated. Isn’t sex a big part of marriage? These are questions I have helped people with. As a certified sex therapist, I believe you can revive your intimacy, but there are real reasons that your wife doesn’t want to be intimate with you.
I have heard numerous stories about how husbands and wives dance around sex. Sometimes it is the man who doesn’t want sex. But the reasons can be tricky to root out. After many hours sitting with couples in the clinical room and the information I have gleaned from books and research, I have come up with a few reasons that make sense. So, as you read further, keep an open mind. When your wife isn’t sleeping with you and it’s been months, you can look at 5 possible reasons:
- She is overwhelmed with life and the things on her plate
- She is tired and sleep is important to her
- A rift has come between you because of something that has made her feel unloved
- Her thought process is different than yours and she is not thinking about it
- She takes time to get revved up and sometimes she feels it is just easier not to
5 Reasons Your Wife May Be Avoiding Sex
As I stated above, there are a number of reasons spouses avoid sex. Some can be physical (not mentioned above), some emotional, and some due to their beliefs or thoughts. Finding the root of the cause is very important. Before we talk about how to find the root, let’s explore the 5 reasons listed above as to why your wife might not be having sex with you in the past few months.
She is overwhelmed with life and the things on her plate.
Many of the wives that have come into my office struggle with desire. There can be many reasons, but one that presents itself regularly is stress. Your wife has too many things on her plate. She feels like she can’t get it all done. Can you see the stress?
She is feeling a lack of peace and the last thing she is wanting to do is have sex. When there are a thousand things to do that she believes are important, it may be hard for her to relax enough to enjoy intimacy or even be in the mood. Resentment could even form if pressure is applied. Why? Because she then feels like it is just one more thing to do. At that moment, sex becomes more of a chore than a delight.
Desire comes when something feels enjoyable, but when your wife has too much on her plate, she can’t think about anything else than her list. It’s not necessarily you that is the problem.
However, if you push for sex and her list is not cleared. She may be thinking more about her list and not really enjoy sex even if she gives in. Then a snowball effect can occur where she not only struggles with stress, but now sex becomes unenjoyable because she wasn’t ready for it.
She is tired and sleep is important to her.
Just as above one more thing that can’t get in the way of desire is being too tired. Men, you might understand this one. When you have worked a 16-hour shift or 24-hour shift, you may just want some sleep. I understand there are some of you that could have sex anyways. Yet, most women are built differently. They need their rest.
When they’re tired, the effort it takes them to get in the mood feels insurmountable. It’s like a mountain to climb. The thought of trying to climb that mountain, when you are already exhausted, is not enjoyable either. I am not saying that sex can’t happen.
Plenty of times we do things when we don’t feel like it. However, your wife may not feel she has the energy it would take to satisfy you or to enjoy it herself. At that moment she is wondering why you can’t just let her sleep and when she is rested she will be more likely able to enjoy it with you.
She is feeling unloved.
Have you ever felt unloved or not cared about? Did you want to do anything for or with the person who you thought didn’t love you or care about you at that moment? I am guessing not. It’s hard to feel like connecting with someone who doesn’t seem to love you, let alone like you. If you and your wife have had a lot of conflicts, you can’t bet this is one of the reasons you are not having sex. The more conflict, the less sex. At least that’s what the research says. Although, it could go the other direction!
Hurt causes a break in trust and safety
Have you been unkind, unloving, inconsiderate, untruthful, or shown any other negativity toward your spouse? Your behavior has a lot to do with how she feels toward you.
I have covered dishonesty and trust in many of my past posts. If you want to understand how it can be destructive, please go read this article. It may help you understand even more what your wife is feeling and why she wouldn’t want to have sex right now.
It’s common sense that we do not feel sexual towards someone who is not acting like they like us. Husbands are different in many ways. Men tend to want to have sex just to get gratification sometimes. Although, most wouldn’t admit it. (I am not saying that is all men want either. Men certainly desire sex for connection purposes!) Yet, some men use sex as a stress reliever. (Please don’t take this as a blanket statement and condemn all men and sex because of it.)
She thinks differently than you do.
We have already stressed this point some. Women are different than men. They think differently. Their brains are wired differently. God made them in a way where they don’t react as men do or see things as men do. In Love and Respect by Emmerson Eggerich he talks about women seeing through pink lensed glasses and men seeing through blue lensed glasses.
The fact that we are different is good! It balances out the relationship and keeps us from destruction. My wife slows me down in many ways. She is thoughtful and caring, and I can be hasty and bullheaded because I just want to fix things. It would be a sad day if we pushed aside our differences just to have sex more often.
Women tend to think about sex from an opposite viewpoint. They have many thoughts that seem unconnected at one point which is why it is hard for them to just think solely about sex. If we connect this point to the one above, now we can see why they have trouble shutting down their thoughts about all the things that need to be done.
She does not think it is worth it.
This is similar to the exhaustion idea. We will do what seems important to us. If sex is not a priority, then we will wonder if it is worth it in the grand scheme of the day. We will question if it makes sense to use our energy on it. Women may believe in the moment that “it’s just easier to not.” This thought is hasty. However, I am certain many women have had it. They believe that something else is more worth their time than sex with their spouse.
A client came in one day saying her husband was angry because every time he initiated, she rejected him. I thought I knew why that would be, but her reason surprised me. First, I asked her if she enjoyed sex, thinking it must not have felt good. But she said she did enjoy sex. I then asked her if she had sexual trauma, thinking that she was being triggered. She told me that was not the case. After a few more questions I just bluntly asked, “When your husband initiates, what goes through your mind?”
This is what she said: “I just think at the moment that it would take a lot of effort and it is just easier to not try.” My jaw dropped open. I couldn’t comprehend it, probably because I am a man. Yet, it made sense because of everything I knew about women. She just didn’t believe it was necessary because her experience was that she didn’t desire it naturally so she must not need it.
Is sex necessary for married couples?
Yes! As a certified sex therapist, I believe sexual interaction is absolutely necessary. We must define what sexual interaction means here. Some people are unable to function like others. So, sexual interaction is anything that helps a couple draw closer to one another and increases sexual pleasure that fulfills the connection they are looking for.
Spouses need sexual interaction. They don’t need sexual gratification. Husbands and wives need to feel mutually connected sexually because that will deepen the safety they feel with the other person. Intimacy is the most vulnerable you can be with someone. You are sharing something with another person that you are not created to share with anyone but your spouse. It’s the one thing that we are able to keep special and private between us.
How did I help this client who thought it was just easier to not have sex?
When I heard this wife tell me she thought it was easier, I told her it seems like, at least in the moment, she felt it was not worth trying to have sex or supplying the effort that it might take. She agreed that momentarily she felt that. Again she agreed that this sounds selfish and that she thought saving her energy was worth more at the time.
Then I decided to ask her a pivotal question. I asked her: “After you have had sex with your husband, was it ever not worth it?” She gave me an interesting reply. She said, “No.” I was intrigued. Then I proceeded to tell her that she is contradicting herself.
Think about what she is saying. She has always seen sex with her husband as worth it after the fact. This is great data and tells us a lot! However, she didn’t see the data until that point. Prior to sex, she thought it wasn’t worth it. Wow! Guess what? Now that she saw this, she figured out she now could make a better choice. She could choose not to, but not based on worth. Her reason had to have been better. Even if it was just because she did not want to in that moment in time, or any of the other reasons above.
So there you have it, 5 reasons why wives may not be having sex with you, especially if it has been months. In no way am I saying these are all the reasons. Also, we have not covered how to work through these issues in this article. However, some may be obvious after reading and understanding each one of these. I am just trying to show you that there are legitimate reasons your wife may not want sex or be avoiding sex.
This post is also not advocating that these 5 reasons are good or bad. In this article, I neither condemn nor condone behavior that could be seen as the above. The intent is only to help you start seeing the possible reasons why your wife has not had sex with you in months. If she is overwhelmed, tired, feeling hurt and unloved, or just thinks differently and possibly believes that it is not worth her time and energy, these might be real reasons she is saying no. I hope this helps you understand and start to empathize so you can find a way to love her appropriately.
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