There are consequences for lying in relationships…

This may seem obvious, and maybe it is. However, knowing why lying hurts relationships can help to prevent lying in the first place. The reason lying hurts relationships is due to its nature of creating distrust. When a person lies to you, you automatically become hurt and in some ways fearful. Not the type of fear where you are scared for your life, but fear in the form of hurt and emotional pain.

Why is it important to have trust in a relationship and not dishonesty?

When two individuals enter a relationship, they trust each other. You would agree that you trusted your partner when things started, at least as you got to know them. Trust continues until a person hurts or deceives another person. Trust is important because it provides safety and certainty in the relationship.

Safety and certainty are important in relationships because they open us up to deeper connection and love. Honesty and trust provide an atmosphere where safety and certainty thrive in a marriage. A healthy relationship thrives on safety and certainty because a person can be more and more honest and open without the fear of being hurt. This creates an ever-deepening cycle of intimacy and connection. Find out how honesty helps a marriage HERE.

Deception and dishonesty are wrong, even though sometimes people try to justify them.

Most people agree that deception or dishonesty is wrong. A lie is a sin according to the Bible. Many believe there are times when lying is okay. However, lying causes hurt and pain. Is that ever okay? I am not arguing whether or not lying sometimes may benefit you. I believe that dishonesty has benefitted people, but at what cost?

Lying might be the sin that is committed most in life, except for pride. If you have lied, you know that dishonesty can permeate a person’s life. One lie leads to another. The need to cover up each lie leads to confusion. The result is paranoia. On top of that, trying to keep all the lies intact causes a person to question everything.

Weigh the cost of dishonesty to limit the consequences for you and your partner

Everyone in this world has experienced a form of dishonesty. Weighing the cost of dishonesty is important to determine what the benefits and risks are. If you are willing to accept the consequences, then I can understand the reason for your lie, although it may still not be right.

I am not permitting one to lie here. Just because you accept the consequence does not mean that you are fully aware of the extent of that consequence or how it manifests. I am not sure any of us can know the far-reaching result of our behavior. The lesson to be learned is to be careful in accepting the consequence to lie until after much consideration. Even then, it might be helpful to reconsider.

Just because something looks good or feels good, does not mean it is right. Lying will never be right in my book (Although after much research I have started to understand more about when lying might be permitted or accepted Biblically). There are many consequences to lying. In a relationship, dishonesty has costs that can result in you losing trust, safety, respect, and more.

Can we make room for grace and mercy for those who have been dishonest?

Although I think lying is wrong in many cases, I have done it too. If dishonesty can create this much trouble in regular relationships, committed marriages don’t stand a chance. Devastation arises with just one little white lie. However, grace and reassurance are needed for those who have chosen to be dishonest. Giving grace should not be done flippantly. We all have fallen short.

I remember early in my marriage when I told my wife a lie. (We can get into the specifics of why people lie later.) Anyone who knows me, knows I do not have a poker face. You can see it on my face when I try to make a joke.

Needless to say, it did not go well. It was the first time my wife realized she didn’t know if she could trust me. Unfortunately, it was probably wishful thinking that I could be perfect in the first place. However, when she was able to forgive me and provide grace, it was a gift of love to me. It allowed me to see that I can be honest, even if I mess up because she is willing to give me grace and forgiveness.

Dishonesty can have a permanent effect

My dishonesty was a huge mistake for me. I would give anything to get back that day. It not only hurt her, but it also hurt me. She questioned whether or not I was a safe person (more about safety in another blog…). I knew that I did not have her faith any more.

One little white lie did all that damage in seconds. Wow! Just thinking about how easy it was to do so much damage scares me, even now.

I am not saying that a couple can’t repair their marriage (as was alluded to above), but I encourage preventing the destruction from happening in the first place. You might even start thinking about some boundaries that could help prevent dishonesty.

I want you to know how lying damages relationships. You can prevent this if you start by understanding how harmful dishonesty can be to your marriage.

5 Ways Lying Damages Relationships

So, let’s clarify the ways lying destroys marriages in a more detailed fashion. This way you can be aware of how dishonesty can damage your relationship.

Lying destroys trust.

Trust is pivotal to all relationships. If a marriage does not have trust, it cannot function properly. Dr. John Gottman, a long-time researcher of marriage, describes trust as one of the walls to his Sound Relationship House Theory along with the commitment to help a relationship thrive.

Trust and commitment serve as the sheltering walls that keep outside gusts of negative thoughts and circumstances from affecting the rooms and the rest of the pivotal parts of the relationship.

Trust is the basis of good and positive communication. If there is no trust, an individual may not listen to or take heed to anything their partner says.

When a spouse lies, the person being lied to feels hurt and betrayed. A sense of devastation sometimes arises, and withdrawal from the dishonest spouse begins. The hurt spouse tends to start to question everything the deceiver says. If questioning persists, the dishonest spouse usually becomes angry and defensive because they cannot express their wants or needs due to repetitive questioning of the facts.

The hurt person at that point shuts down, or may not believe the answers of the dishonest spouse. This sequence of events creates a nasty cycle of distrust, defensiveness, and blame.