5 Steps to Becoming a Better Listener in Marriage

, , ,

As a marriage counselor, I teach couples many skills. One of those skills is how to listen better. Many of us have been taught how to communicate or express our thoughts better to others in classes or through our jobs, but may have never had the proper training to learn how to listen to others. I like teaching listening skills. When I help couples learn how to listen to each other, I actually get to see connections being formed right in front of me. It’s beautiful and very real. So, I think it would be great for everyone to learn some simple steps to listening to their spouse.

First, why is listening important?

Listening well helps build our understanding of others thoughts, feelings, perspectives and beliefs. Listening to our spouse opens up the opportunity to be able to provide input to a spouse’s concerns. Listening also can be a way of showing care and concern. Listening is one way to build connection.

After listing all of these benefits of listening, I am reminded of how much I want to be a better listener, but, be warned, listening takes practice, discipline and effort. Now let’s get to those steps to help YOU and ME become the listener WE desire to be.

  1. To be a good listener you first have to be willing to: “Hear it!” What does that mean? That means you need to know the exact words that were said. Yes! This is the easy part. For example, when I am with my wife, I can repeat back to you exactly what my she says, verbatim. Unfortunately, that does not always mean I actually understood her. However, some people truly do not pay attention to what their partner says and need to a better job of absorbing the actual words so they can take the next step to becoming a better listener.
  2. The second step I call: “Find the meaning.” What I mean by “find the meaning” is to try to analyze and figure out what is underneath the actual words that were stated. How many times do you say something and your partner interprets it one way and you say, “But that’s not what I meant.” Finding the meaning is not always easy, but is helpful to building a better “understanding” of what the real message is that was being transmitted to you.
  3. Thirdly, if you can’t find the meaning, ask “clarifying questions.” If you can clarify some of the information (actual words) you have already received by adding new and meaningful information through asking pointed questions, you will be one step further in “understanding” the message you received. It might be helpful to ask questions such as: What are you experiencing? Why are you experiencing that? What do you need or desire from me? Why is that need or desire important to you?
  4. Fourthly, summarize and repeat to your spouse your new “understanding” of what your spouse has said to you. By expressing to your spouse what you “understand” about their message, you are checking with them to make sure you have an accurate understanding.
  5. Finally, ask your partner, “Do I understand what you are saying?” By asking this question, you give your spouse the opportunity to tell you if you received the correct meaning of their message.

These steps have served many of my clients well. The key is practice. Remember, your spouse deserves your respect and your willingness to hear them out. They need YOU to hear their perspective, no matter how irrational it may sound. Also, remember that their thoughts, beliefs, feelings and perspectives are very real to them and when you don’t LISTEN to them, you are sending a nonverbal message that you don’t care about their thoughts or feelings and you don’t respect them enough to understand them.

PLEASE! Learn to listen to your spouse and practice these steps daily. I may not be right, but I bet you will be happier and have a more loving relationship. To learn more about listening, visit my page about communication. Be blessed!

Also, check out my other posts and pages on communication:

5 Ways to be Intentional in your Marriage

, , , , , ,

What year is it? Where does the time go? I am sitting here wondering how yesterday is already gone. It seems it was just yesterday I was getting excited about the season changing. It seems like a good time to talk about being intentional in life and in your marriage.  Let’s talk about creating about new goals, not resolutions! Have I mentioned I don’t like the word resolution? It seems when I want to make resolutions, nothing gets resolved. So, I am sticking with goals.

A goal of mine is to be more intentional in my daily life, especially my marriage. This would be a key that you may want to use to unlock the potential of your life. So, it would be good to go over some simple ways to increase intentionality in your relationship so that you can get ahead and take hold of your life and not let wasted time ruin it.

Here are 5 ways to be intentional in your marriage:

  1. Start small
  2. Set reminders
  3. Manage your impulsiveness
  4. Be positive and use your words wisely
  5. Touch more

Start Small

The first way to be intentional in marriage is to pick one thing you will be intentional about. You did read that right, “one thing”! My one thing right now is reading. I know that doesn’t sound like a relationship topic, but I am specifically going to be intentional about reading the best books and articles I can find about relationships. You might be wondering, “Why does a marriage therapist needs to do this?” Well, it never hurts to increase your knowledge and understanding of how relationships work. And, have I mentioned, even marriage therapist don’t know everything about relationships. My goal is to read about relationships to help me with the next way of being intentional.

Set Reminders

A second way to be intentional is to remind yourself to be intentional. Have you ever had the best intentions, but didn’t follow through? Sometimes we need a cue to remind us to follow through. So, create a cue to help you be intentional. My cue is not only reading about relationships to help me think about and remember to improve myself in my relationship, but also to set reminders to read. Whatever that is for you, keep your cue SIMPLE. Set a reminder on your phone. Make sticky notes to post on your bathroom mirror or refrigerator. Just make sure that your cue works for you.

Manage your impulsiveness

A third way to be intentional is to practice managing your impulsiveness. SLOW YOURSELF DOWN! Take deep breaths. Monitor your emotions. Examine your thoughts. This does not sound easy or simple does it? That’s why I use the word PRACTICE. You may have to use the second intentional idea to help you with the third. Use a cue to help you be intentional about managing yourself.

Sometimes I teach people to use STOPP (Stop, take a deep breath, observe, find other perspectives, and plan). Just say “Stop!” to yourself and then follow the order of the acronym. By doing this you can manage your emotions and behavior better, but you have to be intentional about managing yourself. If that method does not work for you, there are all sorts of methods out there. Maybe being intentional for you is to actually take the step to find one that works for you.

Be positive and use your words wisely

A fourth way to be intentional is with your words. Be intentional to say positive things to your partner or spouse. In John Gottman’s research on healthy marriages, he found that for every one negative interaction a healthy couple has, they have five positive interactions. What does that mean for you? I think it means you have to create positivity in your relationship and be intentional about being positive, even when you don’t feel like it. I tell my clients, “Say nothing negative AT ALL.”

Touch More

A fifth way to to be intentional in your marriage is to touch more. A simple hug, kiss, or light touch on the back or arm can be very healthy in a relationship. When a couple touches it increases the release of Oxycontin (the bonding hormone). You will feel closer the more you touch. It’s also very hard to be mean to someone while holding their hands. So, maybe you can try to hold hands while talking about hard subjects. Snuggling on the couch or giving back rubs can be healthy too. Kissing for 5 to 10 seconds can do wonders for a relationship.

Conclusion

So, there they are! My top 5 simple and intentional relationship builders to quickly improve your relationship. Maybe they aren’t so simple, because you have to actually do them for them to work. I somehow think the hardest part is to choose to do them, take some action, then be consistent. I hope this helps you to be more intentional and proactive in your marriage and relationship starting today!

Check out other post HERE!

Scheduling sex: Not as spontaneous, but sometimes important and better!

, , ,

Many couples come to my office who have sex only once or twice a month or less. I usually ask them what keeps them from having sex more often. Some tell me its a lack of initiation, but most tell me they don’t know why. After some assessment and exploration of their lives together, many couples I see appear to be too busy and sex is not necessarily a priority over work, kids and other activities. However, when couples come to counseling because they have conflict over their sexual relationship, they look at me like I am crazy when I ask them, “Could you try scheduling it.” One or both of them don’t like that idea. So, I go through my routine of explaining why scheduling might not sound beneficial or enjoyable, but actually can help.

An important aspect of understanding how scheduling can be helpful is to explore why a couple is not having the ideal amount of sex they want. Questions to ask are: “What are you spending your time on? What are your comfort zones and boundaries when it comes to intimacy (ie. Are there things you like or dislike?)? What are your expectations in regard to the amount of sex you desire? What is getting in the way of initiating sex? Do you communicate about sex? After exploring these questions, a couple might know some ways they are hindering their own intimacy. If this does not help, then scheduling sex may be beneficial.

So, you ask, “How can sex be scheduled and be beneficial?” My first question to you, “What else do you schedule in your life?” Other than the obvious answers, most people say they schedule just about everything, especially if they are busy. My next question: “Why would sex be any different if it is as important to you as the other things you schedule?” Sex is just as, if not more, important for a marriage than other aspects of life. I could spend a while talking about why it is important, but somehow I think that most people already know that it is important. So, should it not be placed at a higher priority than other things? What if scheduling was the only way to make sure that it happened? If you are too busy to spontaneously enjoy your spouse, then you may not make time for sex at all. So, lets talk about how sex can be enjoyable when scheduled.

First, scheduling sex can actually help you have the amount of sex you desire. If you don’t schedule it, and you are very busy, then you may go weeks or months without having sex. Who wants less sex? Well, I guess some people do, but for the majority of people, sex is enjoyable, and more would be desirable. Again, if you don’t make time for it and make it a priority, then it may not happen nearly as much as you want it to.

Second, scheduling sex does not have to be exact. Schedules can be made flexible and estimated. What if you just set aside time for sex one night a week, with another night that could be open just in case the night you scheduled it is ends up not being a great time. By doing this, spontaneity, adventure and excitement can all be part of the moment. Also, by blocking out a bulk of time to have sex, doesn’t necessarily say it has to happen at any given moment during that time.

Third, spontaneity can still be part of scheduling because we can all be spontaneous in any given moment. In some respects, sex can always be spontaneous if you make it spontaneous.

Fourth, scheduling sex allows for creativity. If you know when sex is going to happen, you have all day or week to think of ways to make it fun and enjoyable. Women tend to need to prepare themselves for intimate moments and the planning that can go into scheduled sex may help women to be thinking about sex. Thinking about sex more often has been shown to help women be more prepared for intimacy and increase their arousal. So, by scheduling sex, a couple can plan out things they want to do, wear or try during their intimacy time. By being creative and planning the moment, women will be more aroused and enjoy the moment more. Think about when you have planned out an anniversary or a date weeks or months ahead of time. Was it more exciting, memorable and enjoyable than if you threw everything together in the last moment.

Finally, due to scheduled sex allowing for the ability to plan ahead, the couple is making sex more meaningful and thus increasing their emotional connection. Emotional connection is needed to improve relationships and desire for sex. So, by scheduling sex, the couple is starting a cycle of positive emotional connection.

So, I understand if you still like the thrill of spontaneity during sex, but for those that are having less sex due to busy schedules or who want to increase their emotional connection and have more intimacy, consider scheduled sex and enjoy the creativity, arousal and emotional connection that comes from scheduling.

If you have any questions or want more information about how to improve your sex life with your partner, please call me at 706-955-0230 or email me from my Contact Page.

Improve Your Marriage One “Simple” Step at a Time

, , ,

The holidays have come and gone and I decided to take a brake from writing for a while to focus on enjoying time with my children and my beautiful wife. It has been refreshing, but the more I think about it, the more frustrated I get due to loss of motivation. I am starting to believe more and more in the theory that an object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion. This belief brings me to the topic of my thoughts for today: improving marriages one simple step at a time.

As I ponder some emotional struggles I dealt with over the last month, I started to feeling overwhelmed by how much I needed to change and improve as a person. I may be a Marriage and Family Therapist, but I find it difficult to be the type of husband and father that my wife and children need. My behavior at times has ranged from avoidance, to withdrawal, to irritable snapping, to angry toned rants. I don’t desire to be this way toward anyone. I want to be loving and create deep emotional connection with my family. As much as I want to blame others, I keep coming back to the fact that I control me and no one else can take responsibility for my actions.

I am starting to realize what that means. It means I need to stop pointing the finger at others and take responsibility for my own actions. The more I think about this, the more I ask myself the question, “How to I change for the better?” As I continue to work with couples and individuals in my practice. I seem to find the words to say. I am learning more and more that the phrase, “keep it simple stupid” has more clout than just being a cliché.

Changing behavior is not easy, but it CAN be changed. However, sometimes the journey seems too tough, overwhelming and too long. Keeping things simple and only focusing on 2 or 3 aspects of the journey and finding simple, creative ways to work on those aspects will help ease those feelings.

An example of this concept is learning to love others. The Love Dare, written by Steven and Alex Kendrick, demonstrates the idea of keeping things simple through focusing on simple dares each day. What’s interesting about the Love Dare is that the first 3 dares ask a person to repeat the first dare (Not saying anything negative to your spouse at all). I always thought it was interesting that this is the one dare they ask you to repeat (3 times). If all I focus on is saying nothing negative at all, it seems to me that my marriage and my household would be much better off.

So, my goal for the next week or two is to not say anything negative and watch my tone. I am not going to worry if I mess up, because what matters when you trip and fall is that you get back up and keep moving forward. My guess is that I will feel less overwhelmed and will likely be able to focus better by keeping things simple. If you want to try this simple exercise with me, then let me know how it turns out for you by emailing me from the contact page. Keep working on your marriage, one simple step at a time.

Grow Your Marriage: Heart, Intent, Choice

, , , , , , ,

I recently read a quote that I found interesting and it got me thinking about how to make marriages work.

“To keep the fire burning brightly there’s one easy rule: Keep the two logs together, near enough to keep each other warm and far enough apart — about a finger’s breadth — for breathing room. Good fire, good marriage, same rule.” ~Marnie Reed Crowell

This quote provides great wisdom, but doesn’t provide the details. I have been told that marriages are “hard work.” Keeping the fire going is not always the easiest. Throughout my 7 and half years of marriage and my 7 and a half years of being a marriage counselor, I have found this saying to be more burdensome because of how tiring it sounds. When I think of work, I think about getting tired. Some people love their jobs, but almost everyone needs a vacation or break sometimes. Is it true that marriages are “hard work”? Or, can we find a different way to make marriages work instead of making people give up on marriages because they are too hard? Let’s seek if we can shed some light on three simple ideas to keep the fire going.

Marriage takes effort, but everything in life takes effort. I have heard my mother say, “As you get older, everything hurts, your bones creek, and you lose stamina.” She reminds my brothers and I every time I talk to her, “I am getting old, Brandon.” The older we get, our minds seem to stay teenager minds while our bodies become a daily reminder of our age. So, even aging takes effort.

So, if marriage takes effort like everything else, then it will make us tired at times. Yet, just like working out takes effort, makes a person tired, and ends in a feeling of accomplishment, marriage takes effort, can make a person tired, and can very much provide plenty of positive feelings. People need to think about marriages as a growth process. A person has to plant a seed to grow corn. A person has to work out to grow muscles and stamina. So, people in a relationship need to know what they need to do to grow their marriage.

Change the Heart, Communicate the Intent, and Choose to Act

To grow a marriage, a person needs to have a heart for the marriage and their spouse. This is the seed to a flourishing marriage. If you don’t like or even love your spouse, then how can you work with them? Seeds have a hard time growing in thorns bushes or rocks. How do you expect to communicate with your spouse if your heart is hard? Growing a marriage takes changing your heart to what matters. So, what does matter in a relationship? Friendship? Quality time together? Selflessness? What is in your heart that might be keeping you from growing your marriage? Resentment? Anger? Envy? Jealousy? Just like everything else in life, if your heart is not in it, then you are only going through the motions. Ask yourself what your heart wants. What is your desire? What are your goals? Once your heart is right, then you can begin to work on growing your marriage.

Intentions are important because they demonstrate to your partner what your heart is saying. If your partner knows where your heart has good intentions, they will be more likely to get their heart in line with yours. This takes communication. Tell your partner what you want to do. Tell your partner what your desires for the relationship are. Write those desires and intentions down so you don’t forget them and as a reminder to focus on growth each day.

Finally, choose to live in alignment with your heart. Choose to practice what you said you want to do. Choose to set goals and steps to meet those goals. Then choose to work one step at a time until you reach your goals. Choose to put your partner first. Choose to be selfless. Choose to love and respect your spouse. Choose to change the idea that you are the victim. Choose to stop pointing the finger at someone else and take responsibility for your choices. Choice is your responsibility. Will you choose to grow your marriage, or will you choose to continue to think about it as hard work and just another act that will make you tired?

By choosing each day and each moment to grow your marriage, you are choosing to plant a seed and water it daily. As you do that, your marriage will mature and grow. Sure, storms will coming, animals will try to hide in your branches, but someday, your relationship will grow strong and those troubles will feel small. Growth in marriage takes getting your heart right, speaking your intentions and choosing to live out those intentions.

Forgiving and Forgetting? A better way to heal relationships!

, , , ,

Have you ever been told by your spouse, “You need to forgive and forget.” I have lots of couples come in where one partner reports that the other partner broke their trust and they are not sure how to deal with it. They also say that when they are told they just need to forgive and forget, it does not help. If you have ever tried to forgive and forget, you know it’s hard, if not, impossible.

Trust can be broken in many different ways. A little white lie or major infidelity can destroy trust. The intensity of the hurt depends solely on the individual who is on the receiving end of that broken trust. So, can a person really “forgive and forget?” I believe that people can’t forget most hurtful events. The human brain is made to be able to retain information, especially information that has an impact on the person. Yes there are times where information is not retained, such as, when the brain is damaged through physical drama or may when the impacting event is so devastating that the brain cannot process the information produced by the event. Also, there can be other times when a person may not remember something. Also, different types of brain memory play a part in remembering information. Lets discuss this further.

Types of Memory

To better help understand how memory works lets look at what types of memory a human brain has. First, the human brain has what is called declarative memory (explicit memory). Declarative memory is simply when one is trying to remember something (ie, a name, a list of items, a phone number, etc). Also, the human brain has what is called non-declarative memory (implicit memory). Non-declarative memory involves an involuntary response to something because of what happened in the past. This type of memory happens without your awareness. For example, lets say when you were a child lighting struck your house and now as an adult you shake for no reason when a thunder storm comes. Your brain remembers that lightning strike even though you may have experience many thunder storms without lightning hitting your house since.

Declarative memory brakes down  into working memory (short term memory) and episodic memory (long term memory). Short term memory is reactionary memory where we remember something that just happened within 2 to 18 seconds after the event. Episodic memory helps a person to remember important events throughout ones life that forms beliefs and thoughts about the world. Also, there is Semantic memory that helps to remember details when something is memorized, such as, math or vocabulary.

Non-declarative memory brakes down into primal memory, procedural memory and classical conditioning. Primal memory is helps to remember how to respond to different past events and can make response quicker. Procedural memory is used to helping to learn to drive and do task well. For example, driving a car is tough at first, but after lots of practice, automatic memory takes over and the mechanics to driving help a person to do many of the things required for driving without thinking about it. Classical conditioning is memory that comes about as a person makes associations to other things, whether good or bad, so as to be able to make better choices.

So much more can be said about memory to help us understand that remembering or forgetting something may be very complex. Based on what we know so far about memory, many things can interrupt the declarative memory, but non-declarative memory is not well controlled. Is broken trust associated with non-declarative or declarative memory? Broken trust involves cognitive and emotional reactions. It can almost be traumatic, if only minimally. When an emotional reaction is part of the memory process, working memory last longer and episodic memory is triggered the more intense the emotional reaction. Non-declarative memory is not associated with memories of history, except to the point of how one might react the next time the same type of event happens.

Therefore, declarative memory, and even more, episodic memory takes over when trust is involved. So now we need to consider how or if a person can forget something.

Forgetfulness

There are several ways that people possibly forget things.  Short term memory, decay, displacement and interference can all three be ways someone can forget something. Decay is when a person does not go over information enough to retain it. Displacement is when new memories replace old memories which can be a very positive form of forgetting in hopes of replacing negative memories with positive memories. Interference happens when a person attempts to remember things that are very similar and because they are so similar they can become mixed up.

Long term memory appears to have no limit and possibly stores all information. Some theories believe that information lost, may still be stored in the brain, but may be inaccessible. It is still unclear how much someone can actually forget. It does seem clear that a person can forget information by decay and interference that comes from similar memories.

Forget or Move Forward?

As a marriage counselor I have found a better way to understand that “forgive and forget” debate. I am one to believe and it is confirmed by the information I have shared in the rest of this blog post, memories moments that have a major impact in our lives tend to stick with us. I believe they are hard to get rid of and triggers can bring back up that memory any time that trigger is presented. So, forgetting is not a very useful word when it comes to resolving issues of trust.

I have started telling couples to use the phrase, “Forgive and Move Forward.” Why? Well, forgetting is hard, if not impossible, as we have discussed. In the very least, it could take days, weeks, months and sometimes years to heal from a break of trust. Also, when told to “forgive and forget,” it can deepen the hurt of the victim because a tone of “not caring” is displayed in the betrayer, which further affirms that the betrayer broke trust.  Many of my clients have enjoyed using the phrase “moving forward.” It appears to give them empowerment to be able to make changes and heal. If you are moving forward, then the person is making progress and being pro-active. Moving forward can involve being intentional, but also helps to dispel the fact that the person will not just “get over” something. It is not and will never be that easy.

So, next time you think about telling your spouse to forgive and forget, please stop yourself. Instead, ask how you can help and what can you do as a couple to move forward to heal the relationship.

Happy Mind, Happy Relationship

, , ,

How can a relationship be improved by just improving your mind? People talk about improving your mind to stay smart and move up in your career or create a new invention or get invited on Jeopardy. Who thinks about improving the mind to improve a relationship? Improving the mind is not usually connected to relationships, and yet, it has been said to be one of the easiest ways to improve a relationship.

You’ve heard of the power of positive thinking, but have you considered that this concept may help with a relationship.  You might be saying, “Well that is common sense.” I would tell you, “You’re right! So why don’t you practice it daily?” I don’t think about positive thinking daily. I have clients come in my office who I teach this concept and ask them to practice it over the next week. Guess what they say when they come back. They say, “I didn’t really think about it.”  My first thought is, “What?!!  I  work hard to provide the reasoning and the whole package of information and you don’t even think about it?” I am truly stunned when people say that to me. It is common sense right?

What I have learned is that this concept may be common sense, but we truly don’t take the time to remember or think about how our thinking affects us.  If we remembered moment to moment to check our thinking for positivity, then many aspects of our life would be much easier (ie, relationships, jobs, standing in line, etc). I want to focus on relationships though.

Think about your work place. Who do you hang around? Who would you like to hang around? Are they mostly positive or negative throughout the day? Have you ever been around someone who was very positive? Are they not more enjoyable to be around? Were you more positive when you were around them? Positivity not only feels good, it rubs off on us! Unfortunately, negativity rubs off on us too.

So, positivity proves to draw people together in ways that make people feel good. Common sense says that this concept would help us in our marriages and relationships. If positivity draws people together in ways that make them feel good, then positivity would draw couples together and help them feel good. When I feel good around my wife, I feel closer to her. Simple right? If I am positive towards her, she seems to react more positively towards me. Yay!

How are we missing this simple change in thoughts that will change our lives? In my experience, we don’t think about it. This means, we have to remind ourselves to think positively every minute of the day. What are some ways that you can think of to remind yourself to think positive thoughts?  David Carnes writes in an article about positive thinking, “The first step in positive thinking is to make a habit of asking yourself “What am I thinking right now?” at various points during the day until your “meta-awareness” of your own thinking becomes second nature to you.” Find what works for you today and start NOW! Why wait!?

Intentional Love: Loving like never before during the season of love.

, ,

Do you ever feel like you say, “I love you” all the time? Does it ever feel like you use it like a security blanket? Almost like, if you didn’t say it, maybe the love would stop or your spouse or significant other would stop loving you, be angry with you, or leave you? Love is a common word in our world. It is said everyday by, well, probably almost everyone. I tell my children, my wife, my parents and my siblings I love them every chance I get.

Using the term so much may seem like the word gets overused and maybe abused. Yet, as we get closer to Valentine’s Day,  just like what happens around Christmas and Thanksgiving, I am feeling the urge to think more about this nostalgic topic. Why? Well, just like celebrating Jesus’ birth at Christmas and giving thanks at Thanksgiving, love should be practiced all year round, not just on Valentine’s Day. Unfortunately, we don’t always understand love and would like to know more about it. So, I hope to inspire intentional love as we approach this upcoming holiday by helping you understand love a little better.

Remember who created love.? That big guy in the sky whose name is, God! God even calls himself love in the Bible. So, understand this phenomenon of love then we need to consult God.  What does the Bible say about love?  Here are a few verses that tell us what God says love is:

Romans 13:10   “Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore, love is the fulfillment of the law.”

1 Corinthians 13:4-8    “4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.”

1 Corinthians 13:13  “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

1 John 4:7 “Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.”

1John 4:18-19   “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not make perfect in love. We love because he first loved us.”

John 15:13   “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”

Ephesians 5:25  “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

Ephesians 5:33  “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

Colossians 3:14 “And over all these things put on love, which binds them together in perfect unity.”

Proverbs 10:12  “Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers over all wrongs.”

And on, and on, and on… I could be typing a while if I list all the verses that talk about love, but these are a good start. As you read these verses, how do you feel? As I typed, something stirred in me. I felt encouraged. I thought, “I want to be more loving!” Just reading God’s word made me feel that way! But what does that mean and how do we become more loving?

So what is love? Here are 4 themes:

  1. Sacrifice: In the verses above God directly talks about Jesus’ sacrifice as loving. Not only the loving, but greater love and the greatest out of faith hope and love.
  2. Qualities: Love is patient, kind, does not envy, is not proud or haughty, does not talk about itself, its respectful, it does not seek after self, but looks after others, its trusting, its calm, it doesn’t get angry with you, it doesn’t get outdone, it rejoices in truth and hates evil, and protects, hopes, trusts and perseveres.
  3. Instructions on how to be loving: God’s words tell you what to do. He says to love like Christ and like you love yourself. It says to put on love.
  4. And details of what love does not look like: Its not boastful, it’s not hateful, it’s not evil, it’s not divided, it’s not arguing, it’s not conflict, it’s not hitting, it’s not lying, it’s not fearful…

The above 4 themes provide a clearer view of what love looks like from God’s view. How do these translate into action and loving others better? Here are some examples.

  • If you see someone downcast and not looking happy at work, stop and chat with them.
  • If your child is acting up, give her a little hug and grace.
  • If your wife is in a hormone enraged mood, smile and hold her or just listen if she won’t let you touch her.
  • When your wife is shopping and you want to go home and watch the game, let her shop and even help her pick out some outfits.
  • When your buddy makes more than you and you want his lifestyle, don’t envy. Embrace him and let him know he is blessed and take joy that your friend is doing so well.
  • Above all, listen to God and ask him to help you learn how to love better.

Love is very complex. To love better, we need to be aware of what it is and how to express it . As we get closer to Valentine’s Day, let’s consider sacrifice as our number one way to love because that’s how Christ showed us to love. Make it a habit to think about others needs and put them before you, even if it makes you tired or sore.  Think about what other people need and how you can help them. Let’s share God’s love today and everyday to help make this world a safer and more healthy place. As you move through your day, be intentional about loving and live to love. Your life will be better and more fulfilling if you pursue love as a goal.